18 times El Arroyo made you literally laugh out loud

OK. Why don’t more people talk about how awesome the El Arroyo marquee is?! Have you ever driven by it without doing a double take?! Exactly. Those people sure as hell know what they are doing. I am determined to find the mastermind behind this glorious piece of art.

1. The time they laid out what it’s like to be an Austinite

2. The time they put all the health nuts on blast

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But seriously. Do you have 13.1 or 26.2 on the back of your car

3. When they reminded everyone how much OU sucks

Not like we need a reminder, but it’s still funny

4. The time they had nothing to talk about so they went the bilingual route

5.  Or when they helped Keep Austin Weird

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6. The time they proved how real the struggle can be for those sneaky Facebook tags

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Come on ladies. There’s privacy settings for that.

7. The time they reminded everyone that they are often times late and really good at math

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Don’t lie. I know I’m not the only one!

8. When they tried to distract determined Yogis with Tex Mex

Hey man, that’s just being a Good Samaritan.

9. Or when they are just really clever

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10. How about that one time Jay-Z cheated on Beyonce?! Yeahhhh… we see you all the way down here in Texas, J

#teamB

11. The time they used reverse psychology on all you Snapchat addicts

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12. And then reassured everyone that the iPhone and queso mix really well together

And yes, they have Wifi

13. That one time they were trying to act all nostalgic

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Nameste on my red circle, bitches.

14. Or that one sign because, you know… Texas and weather don’t go well together

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smh

15. The time they tried to keep the animals from starving

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I mean you can’t lie, that’s pretty damn funny

16. More rivalry shit talkin’

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17. When they announced that it was officially Fall

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18. Or when they confessed that they too care about how many FB likes they get

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Gotta keep that social media game strong

I literally take the long way to work so that I can drive by this damn sign everyday. It honestly makes me stop worrying about how late I am, or how shitty my hair looks, or how much I already hate what I’m going to have for lunch. It’s my little “that shit is so funny that I can’t even” time that I get every morning. Bobby Bones is hilarious, don’t get me wrong. But no one keeps it more REAL than the El Arroyo sign. Except maybe NeNe Leakes.

Cheers!

xoxo, H

18 things that suddenly become important for every girl in her mid to late 20’s

As a lady transitions into her later 20’s, her age isn’t the only thing that changes. Her priorities adjust as well. One day the only thing that seems to matter may be bottle service, and the next day it’s botox. The saying “you’re becoming a woman” makes more sense now than it did when we got it constantly thrown at us through that god awful puberty stage. I truly believe aging gracefully can feel like a full time job. But thankfully, us girls have each other to joke with as it happens.

So I decided to put a list together (go figure, right?!). Highlighting the things that every girl in her mid to late 20’s begins to care about during this time time in her life. Ladies, do you feel me on this one?!

1. Brunch

Call me cliche, but a good Sunday brunch gets every girl in her happy place. Why has it taken me so long to figure out the magic of what a carafe of mimosas and french toast can do!? Was it because I was often hungover in my early 20’s? Or just broke? Maybe I should start a Sunday Funday fund, because a nice refreshing brunch is just too good for any of you to miss out on, ladies.

2. Credit score

Five years ago the only thing I could have told you about my credit score was that it existed. And now I have this lingering number staring at me in the face, dictating some of my biggest life purchases and decisions. What is this, George Orwell’s 1984 theory?! Giving us all some arbitrary number. Please don’t hold my irresponsible college days against me foreverrrrrr.

3. Quality time spent with friends/loved ones

By about 25, I think it’s safe to say that most girls have filtered out the acquaintances. Don’t get me wrong. I love to run into an old friend that I haven’t seen in years. But the days of “dude we totally have to bring that one girl because she knows all of the hook-ups” are long gone. I’m talking full blown, tipsy on Deep Eddy grapefruit vodka, laughing until the mascara starts running, making fun of who your friends dated in high school, type of quality time. I live for that shit.

4. Benefits

Because there is nothing I would rather talk about than 401K’s, health insurance, and disability. Yeah freaking right. I would rather eat cold ramen than discuss all things responsible. However, it is nice when you know that if something happened to you, SOMEONE would care enough to pull you out of it. Finances are alright, I guess.

5. Good TV shows

Netflix, Hulu, HBO. Hell, even Top Chef has me committed in a way that is probably considered unhealthy. Who else are you gonna eat dinner with on a Monday night? Plus, your TV shows encourage you to stay home and wear pajamas. And you’re only getting older, so you wouldn’t want to miss out on that.

6. Healthy-looking skin

If your energy level doesn’t remind you of the fact that you’re aging, your skip will help by drawing distinct lines in places all over your face. Thanks mother nature, you SOB. The closer I get to 30, the more valuable face masks and spa treatments become. No one is ever going to argue with “it’s great for my skin”. We can’t all be Brooke freaking Shields.

7. Anything DIY

Whether it be to save money, or to work on perfecting those domestic lady ways. Pinterest has begun to feel like a distant relative, the older I get. Nobody hates the bitch that gives homemade rose salve and photograph coasters for Christmas.

8. Vacation and weekends

Time off is SACRED. While it’s all very nice to transition into adulthood and the wonders of work life, it can be way too overwhelming sometimes. That’s why every girl needs a cute little agenda, to mark all upcoming events using pens of varying colors. You know, to always have something to look forward to it. Don’t lie ladies.

9. Chemistry in a relationship

I think most girls would agree that they have figured out what they are really looking for in a relationship by the time they hit their mid to late 20’s. All of the materialistic things don’t seem to matter as much anymore. Yeah, it may be cool if he drives a Range Rover. But if he can’t spend time with me without judging the fact that I like to use cheetos to make a walrus face, then honestly what’s the point?!

10. A good cry

A good, ugly ass cry. One of those cries that you end up counting as your work out of the day. Don’t hold it in, y’all. The struggle is real, and sometimes the best thing to do is cry about it.

11. Your routine

Practice makes perfect. There’s a reason that book club is always on Tuesday nights. And there’s a reason that rent is due the 1st of every month. There is most definitely a reason every girl acts bat shit crazy the week she gets called in for jury duty. Don’t intrude on my daily regimen. My inner Kate Spade lady feelings might take things a little personal.

12. Self discipline when it comes to diet and exercise

Jillian Michaels is a freak of nature. Of course we all want to look that good. And some of us might even end up looking that good. But it sure as hell is not going to happen overnight. Blood. Sweat. Tears. Withdrawals from pizza. I think that’s why the Instagram gods have given us those few friends that document every accomplished pound loss. For constant motivation, of course.

13. Standards

Because you are now old enough to know how important it is to have self-respect. Sure, you may have days where you feel like scum at the bottom of the ocean. But you’re in this little thing called life whether you like it or not, so you might as well be your biggest advocate. From relationships. To being treated equally at work. To only accepting friend requests from people who will actually entertain your news feed. Keep that shit 100. Not only with yourself, but everyone else.

14. Random dance parties

Because life. This is obvious, am I wrong?!

15. Good parking situations

Valet. Uber. Or even just parking that is really close to where you are going. I’m not trying to get in a hike before dinner. Momma can only wear these stilettos for so long.

16. Beauty sleep

It takes a lot to look this good. Also, pants are not required while you’re sleeping. And naps have hands down been the most underrated pastime since Kindergarten.

17. Knowing which alcoholic drinks will get you “sophisticated drunk”

One that gets the job done with no consequences. Now that the days of “let’s get stupid and drunk eat an entire pizza” are over, ones choice of drink is very important. Am I wrong?! You know. Like you can have a shot or two, but not after midnight. And it’s okay if you want to drink vodka, but do so with tonic or soda, not Dr. Pepper. Oh, and not the cheapest vodka they’ve got.

18. Understanding what Amy Poehler was getting at when she said “There’s power in looking silly and not caring that you do”

Because we don’t have to worry about impressing Regina George anymore. You are who you are. You’ve made it this far, so it’s pretty safe to say that most of your best and worst traits won’t change much. But that’s what makes you memorable. So twerk if you want to. Overreact if you want to. Complain about your age if you want to. As long as you lay your head on your pillow every night knowing that you are as much a hott mess as the next girl, we’re all better off.

Do your thang ladies!

xoxo, H

15 Resolutions for The Average Quarter-Century Chick

Alright, ladies. It’s that time of the year again. The time where everyone makes up some cliché, unrealistic, boring ass resolution, and posts about it on Facebook. Per the usual, I wanted to do things differently. I thought to myself, “Why not make a list of resolutions that are actually relatable and worth trying?!” Of course if you want to join in on the army of NY Resolution treadmill-runners, by all means, do your thing. But if you want to take a different, more fun approach into the new year, keep on reading.

15 Resolutions for The Average Quarter-Century Chick 

1. Step up the cell phone etiquette

This may not apply to all of you, but I am the absolute WORSE with my phone. Especially when it comes to texting. And don’t even think about calling me when I’m in the car listening to music. I’m gonna go ahead and lie when I say I do it to keep you all on your toes. Nope, that’s bullshit. I’m just lazy as hell. But in 2015, I vow to be that loyal friend that responds ASAP.

2. Refrain from the daily glass of wine

A glass a day keeps the doctor away. That’s my motto. Okay, Okay. I guess every day is the opposite of “in moderation”. I blame it on the American Heart Association for merely including the word wine in the guidelines. Merlot and I go way back, but I’m hoping to give myself a little space from him in the new year.

3. Learn how to master “cheat day”

I guess it should be “cheat days”, as I usually abandon my healthy diet the entire weekend. Hey, I’m working on it. While Sunday brunch is basically an American holiday, there are still so many opportunities to take full advantage on your cheat days. Try out the restaurant you have been “dying” to go to for the past year. Or hell, satisfy that dirty chinese craving that you get throughout the week. Life is too damn short to not give food love the way it gives love to you. I don’t care if it’s f***ing McDonalds. As long as you go HAM with zero regrets. I don’t know why I didn’t make this one #1, seeing as it is the resolution I’m obviously most excited about.

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4. Step away from social media every now and then

While yes, it is very entertaining, it’s also kind of depressing and nauseating. Anyone else feel like they are losing brain cells by reading Facebook posts and statuses? Some days I think I might climb a cactus if I hear one more first world problem.

5. Stop going to bed with makeup on

Yes mom, I know you taught me this one. Anybody else have those nights where you’re literally counting the steps you have left before making it to the bed? And you somehow justify not having to take off your makeup until the morning. Yeah, this is going to be the year that STOPS. I’m shooting for 5 stars at my next dermatologist appointment.

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6. Stop worrying about getting married

For those of us still unwed. Sometimes it feels like constant pressure surrounds us with people getting engaged/married. And you find yourself annoyed or jealous rather than happy for your friends. “OMG even SHE’S engaged?!” Girls don’t lie. We all do it. Let’s remember how we are all at different points in our lives, and that we all want different things! And that the time will come for us too. The reason it hasn’t come yet is because we aren’t ready. But let me tell you what. When that times does come, home dude better put a sick ass ring on it. Am I wrong?!

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7. Embrace the fact that your personality is what makes you sexy

We do everything we can for the perfect ass, the flawless skin, the hottest tan. But let’s be honest. If that’s all you have to attract a guy/girl, you’re no different from those awful Instagram wanna-be models. People remember you by the way you laugh. Or by your witty comments. Hey, maybe you’re weird as hell like I am, and that’s what people remember about you. Point is, it’s who you are that makes you a f***ing catch. And that’s what I’m going to focus on this year.

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8. Travel somewhere once a month

Doesn’t have to be paradise or Vegas. It can just be taking a trip to Dallas or Houston to visit some friends you haven’t seen in a while. You know that friend has fallen off the map and lost touch with everyone? Let’s take a vow to not be that friend! Plus, we all need an excuse to get the hell out sometimes.

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9. Learn to laugh rather than cry over criticism

I’m not talking about constructive “this is really good but you could improve it by doing this” criticism. I’m talking full-blown, “that sweater is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen” criticism. After reading “it’s lists like this that make me want to go kill myself” and “take a ride on the bus you whiney bitch” on one of my blogs that went viral, I decided it was time to not give a damn what people have to say about me. The more people hate on you for no reason at all, the more you should realize that you’re doing something right. Don’t hate me cuz I’m beautiful, boo.

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10. Listen to your FOMO

In my opinion, the more you age, the less you have FOMO. The internal bitch fights that I would have every time I couldn’t go out during college due to studying are slowly fading away. HOWEVER, I think it’s important now to notice when you are having FOMO, and listen! Maybe you really should sacrifice a night of Netflix to go out with some drinks with your friends. Stop trying to justify why you shouldn’t, just go. You know how they say to listen to your gut feeling. And if your gut feeling is that you wouldn’t mind trading in your pajamas for some pleather leggings, you better act on it. The body wants what the body wants. When the body wants a tequila shot, who are you to keep it from having one?!

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11. Exercise for your body, not your figure

Hey girl, not to say that you shouldn’t do everything in your power to enhance all of the assets during bikini season. By all means, of course you should. My life goal is to one day get the Beyoncé legs. But rather than set a goal to lose 10 pounds or 5% body fat,why not shoot for a goal of feeling good. Feeling healthy. If that comes at the price of losing 10 pounds, great! Just try to focus on the healthy part of it, rather than the size 2 skinny part of it.

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12. Rather than wait for the hopeless romantic, BE the hopeless romantic

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think it’s safe to say that most girls want someone who thrives on being a hopeless romantic. I’ve probably sent more clues to my boyfriend than Steve on f***ing Blue Clues about this one. All the while, I realize that I’m just begging for it, rather than trying to be more romantic myself. So this year I’m going to try harder to let it start with me. If he loves you, he will catch the hint and return the favor. Life is too damn short to not have irresistible chemistry, great sex, and a relationship full of surprises.

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13. Remember how cool your parents really are

They really are if you sit back and think about it. I mean you are a combination of them so clearly they are perfect. No, but seriously. As we get older our parents are also getting older. This year I plan on working hard at my relationship with my parents. Cutting out the lazy shit, and giving them a phone call more than once every couple of days. Plus, no one understands my weird ass ways as well as Mom and Dad.

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14. Come from a place of “yes”

One of the best books I have ever read was by Bethenny Frankel titled “A Place of Yes”. It’s basically about her crazy life circa pre-Skinnygirl days. She says she knows what it’s like to doubt herself and feel out of control, but she also figured out how to conquer the noise in her head that holds her back. She basically lays out 10 simple rules for how to get unstuck, move forward, and get everything you want out of life. No this is not an ad for her book. I’m just really obsessed with the bitch. In a nutshell, go for the gold. Don’t second guess something that feels right to the core. Try new things, because maybe there’s a hidden part of you that you are yet to reveal. Live a “yes” life. Not a “I’ll try it tomorrow” life.

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15. Make sure to ALWAYS have a bottle of champagne in the fridge

This one is a must. If I’ve learned anything in this life so far, it is how important it is to keep a bottle of champagne in the fridge for special occasions. And sometimes that special occasion is that there is a bottle of champagne in the fridge.

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Here’s to 2015! May the odds be ever in your favor.

*Cheers*

xoxo, H