13 Everyday Struggles for People Who Have No Filter

If you haven’t guessed yet, I have been given the gift of having absolutely no filter. You know the little voice in your head that holds onto the thoughts that just don’t need to be spoken? Yeah, some of us unfortunately don’t have that. To be completely honest, the quality is just as much love as it is hate. The most frustrating thing for someone with no filter is when friends and family take your anomaly personal. It makes you feel awful. I can’t help it that the truth hurts, and I infrequently carry band-aids. I can tell you one thing, I am not the type of person you should put on speaker phone.

I hope I can relate with all you other overly honest folk, as I lay out the 13 everyday struggles for people who have no filter. For the rest of you, my best piece of advice: STOP TAKING IT PERSONAL.

1. Trying to figure out if people are laughing at you or with you

When you say something blatantly honest, and also funny, and you start to realize that everyone else may be really laughing at how straightforward you are. For whatever reason the fact that you voiced what the rest of the group was thinking is more hilarious than the actual information. And so you shall remain known as THAT outspoken friend. Sorry friends, too much!?

2.Having to remember that TMI is a real thing that should be avoided at all costs

If you ask me what I did last night, don’t be surprised if you get the honest truth. No I didn’t go to yoga and dinner with the girls. I actually spent the night unclogging my shower drain with one hand, and holding a glass of red wine in the other.

3. Fearing that others are judging

Oh, wait. We stopped caring about that a long time ago, didn’t we?!

4. Your friends always saying that you have the “best advice”

Because only the bestest of friends know the answers to all of your problems. And they magically know the best approach. But you would be surprised to find out that all humans can do this, if they wanted to. Somehow I just always happen to be the one to tell you that you should slow it down on your T Swift adventures, and just focus on yourself for a while. You know what they say. It’s either gonna be forever, or it’s gonna go down in flames. As your friend, I find it best that you are better off prepared.

5. Not holding back in arguments

There are no pre-confrontation layouts or game plans. There are no fronts. There are no fake resolutions or compromises. With no filter, I’m mostly likely going to tell you exactly how I feel. There’s a difference between being mature about the situation and being merely up front, people. I’m not going to play the game and see how you react to what I have to say or vice versa. Stubborn or not, I’ll let you know if I feel like I’m right and you’re wrong. But let’s be honest. Is that even a question?

6. Being a terrible liar

Being fake isn’t an option for our type. I guess it’s a good thing since I typically can’t stand fake people. A little white lie was never a common occurrence in my household growing up. Option 1) avoid the situation. Option 2) surrender and spill the good ol’ truth.

7. Coming across as arrogant instead of just blatantly honest

Believe me, I agree that some things are just better left unsaid. By all means, if I knew how to draw a fine line I totally would. It’s not that we think we know everything. It’s not even that we really care all that much. It basically comes down to the fact that we would rather get rid of the elephant in the room, lay out all the facts, and save ourselves from having to put on a blank persona.

8. Asking embarrassing questions instead of just keeping our mouths shut 

“Wait I don’t get it. Why are you so mad, again?”Don’t get me wrong, I kill at a Charades game. But I’ve never been good at fake laughing and smiling with everyone else, if I have NO idea what’s going on. You won’t see us texting our friends about how we think our other friend finds us annoying. A straight up “have I been annoying to you lately?” text will suffice. As if they would answer honestly anyways. No hurt feelings bro.

9. INTERVIEWS

While I think people with no filter are usually good at rocking an interview, it’s still overwhelming. That “did I really just talk about how I love The Millionaire Matchmaker” feeling after walking out. Hey, at least they know what they are getting themselves into from the get go. I will never forget the moment I straight up told the guy interviewing me that I had come to realize that their company probably wasn’t the best fit for me. Just thought I would save him some time. Ain’t nobody trying to actually work there anyways. I just typed a soft joke about the company I’m referring to, then realized it was probably better to go the professional route and keep quiet. The struggle is always real, y’all. Word vomit should be a verb in the dictionary, in my opinion.

10. First impressions

Before a new friend realizes that your honesty is just who you are. When they are straddling the “either close friends or acquaintance that I end up avoiding” line. Before they realize that you are just the Zoey Deschanel “New Girl” version, holding the whole group together with truthfulness. You should be worried if I DON’T tell you that your outfit makes you look like the college freshman version of you.

11. Feeling guilty for what you say 

It’s not our fault that no one else had the balls to say what everyone was thinking. And just because I did, I’m not “sensitive” enough? Okkkkk. We all thought you needed to pull your weight and clean the apartment, I was just the only one willing to risk our relationship to avoid the bug people coming back. But I end up being the one to blame.You know what they say. If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all. While this is sometimes true, sometimes I believe it’s best to say it anyways when you don’t have anything nice to say. There are times when the bitch just needs to hear the truth.

12. Being mistaken as “too opinionated” 

This is not an opinion, this is the truth. The truth because of a collection of all of our opinions. The only difference between you and me, is that you share your opinions with your brain cells, and I share them with the rest of the world.

13. Being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of your mouth 

Word vomit, yet again. Let’s just all laugh and act surprised over the shit that just fell out of my mouth. I may have you fooled, but I am just as surprised as you are that I accidentally revealed how I thought the girl standing in the street has an identical ass of Nikki Minaj’s. Loud enough for her to hear. It’s a COMPLIMENT, I swear! Oh well, it was worth a shot.

Friends with no filter are a valuable asset, in my opinion. When you want the honest truth you know exactly who to turn to. Because let’s be honest, we don’t usually sugar coat. Do I look like Willy Wonka?!

#nofilter

*Cheers*

xoxo, H

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15 Resolutions for The Average Quarter-Century Chick

Alright, ladies. It’s that time of the year again. The time where everyone makes up some cliché, unrealistic, boring ass resolution, and posts about it on Facebook. Per the usual, I wanted to do things differently. I thought to myself, “Why not make a list of resolutions that are actually relatable and worth trying?!” Of course if you want to join in on the army of NY Resolution treadmill-runners, by all means, do your thing. But if you want to take a different, more fun approach into the new year, keep on reading.

15 Resolutions for The Average Quarter-Century Chick 

1. Step up the cell phone etiquette

This may not apply to all of you, but I am the absolute WORSE with my phone. Especially when it comes to texting. And don’t even think about calling me when I’m in the car listening to music. I’m gonna go ahead and lie when I say I do it to keep you all on your toes. Nope, that’s bullshit. I’m just lazy as hell. But in 2015, I vow to be that loyal friend that responds ASAP.

2. Refrain from the daily glass of wine

A glass a day keeps the doctor away. That’s my motto. Okay, Okay. I guess every day is the opposite of “in moderation”. I blame it on the American Heart Association for merely including the word wine in the guidelines. Merlot and I go way back, but I’m hoping to give myself a little space from him in the new year.

3. Learn how to master “cheat day”

I guess it should be “cheat days”, as I usually abandon my healthy diet the entire weekend. Hey, I’m working on it. While Sunday brunch is basically an American holiday, there are still so many opportunities to take full advantage on your cheat days. Try out the restaurant you have been “dying” to go to for the past year. Or hell, satisfy that dirty chinese craving that you get throughout the week. Life is too damn short to not give food love the way it gives love to you. I don’t care if it’s f***ing McDonalds. As long as you go HAM with zero regrets. I don’t know why I didn’t make this one #1, seeing as it is the resolution I’m obviously most excited about.

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4. Step away from social media every now and then

While yes, it is very entertaining, it’s also kind of depressing and nauseating. Anyone else feel like they are losing brain cells by reading Facebook posts and statuses? Some days I think I might climb a cactus if I hear one more first world problem.

5. Stop going to bed with makeup on

Yes mom, I know you taught me this one. Anybody else have those nights where you’re literally counting the steps you have left before making it to the bed? And you somehow justify not having to take off your makeup until the morning. Yeah, this is going to be the year that STOPS. I’m shooting for 5 stars at my next dermatologist appointment.

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6. Stop worrying about getting married

For those of us still unwed. Sometimes it feels like constant pressure surrounds us with people getting engaged/married. And you find yourself annoyed or jealous rather than happy for your friends. “OMG even SHE’S engaged?!” Girls don’t lie. We all do it. Let’s remember how we are all at different points in our lives, and that we all want different things! And that the time will come for us too. The reason it hasn’t come yet is because we aren’t ready. But let me tell you what. When that times does come, home dude better put a sick ass ring on it. Am I wrong?!

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7. Embrace the fact that your personality is what makes you sexy

We do everything we can for the perfect ass, the flawless skin, the hottest tan. But let’s be honest. If that’s all you have to attract a guy/girl, you’re no different from those awful Instagram wanna-be models. People remember you by the way you laugh. Or by your witty comments. Hey, maybe you’re weird as hell like I am, and that’s what people remember about you. Point is, it’s who you are that makes you a f***ing catch. And that’s what I’m going to focus on this year.

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8. Travel somewhere once a month

Doesn’t have to be paradise or Vegas. It can just be taking a trip to Dallas or Houston to visit some friends you haven’t seen in a while. You know that friend has fallen off the map and lost touch with everyone? Let’s take a vow to not be that friend! Plus, we all need an excuse to get the hell out sometimes.

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9. Learn to laugh rather than cry over criticism

I’m not talking about constructive “this is really good but you could improve it by doing this” criticism. I’m talking full-blown, “that sweater is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen” criticism. After reading “it’s lists like this that make me want to go kill myself” and “take a ride on the bus you whiney bitch” on one of my blogs that went viral, I decided it was time to not give a damn what people have to say about me. The more people hate on you for no reason at all, the more you should realize that you’re doing something right. Don’t hate me cuz I’m beautiful, boo.

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10. Listen to your FOMO

In my opinion, the more you age, the less you have FOMO. The internal bitch fights that I would have every time I couldn’t go out during college due to studying are slowly fading away. HOWEVER, I think it’s important now to notice when you are having FOMO, and listen! Maybe you really should sacrifice a night of Netflix to go out with some drinks with your friends. Stop trying to justify why you shouldn’t, just go. You know how they say to listen to your gut feeling. And if your gut feeling is that you wouldn’t mind trading in your pajamas for some pleather leggings, you better act on it. The body wants what the body wants. When the body wants a tequila shot, who are you to keep it from having one?!

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11. Exercise for your body, not your figure

Hey girl, not to say that you shouldn’t do everything in your power to enhance all of the assets during bikini season. By all means, of course you should. My life goal is to one day get the Beyoncé legs. But rather than set a goal to lose 10 pounds or 5% body fat,why not shoot for a goal of feeling good. Feeling healthy. If that comes at the price of losing 10 pounds, great! Just try to focus on the healthy part of it, rather than the size 2 skinny part of it.

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12. Rather than wait for the hopeless romantic, BE the hopeless romantic

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think it’s safe to say that most girls want someone who thrives on being a hopeless romantic. I’ve probably sent more clues to my boyfriend than Steve on f***ing Blue Clues about this one. All the while, I realize that I’m just begging for it, rather than trying to be more romantic myself. So this year I’m going to try harder to let it start with me. If he loves you, he will catch the hint and return the favor. Life is too damn short to not have irresistible chemistry, great sex, and a relationship full of surprises.

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13. Remember how cool your parents really are

They really are if you sit back and think about it. I mean you are a combination of them so clearly they are perfect. No, but seriously. As we get older our parents are also getting older. This year I plan on working hard at my relationship with my parents. Cutting out the lazy shit, and giving them a phone call more than once every couple of days. Plus, no one understands my weird ass ways as well as Mom and Dad.

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14. Come from a place of “yes”

One of the best books I have ever read was by Bethenny Frankel titled “A Place of Yes”. It’s basically about her crazy life circa pre-Skinnygirl days. She says she knows what it’s like to doubt herself and feel out of control, but she also figured out how to conquer the noise in her head that holds her back. She basically lays out 10 simple rules for how to get unstuck, move forward, and get everything you want out of life. No this is not an ad for her book. I’m just really obsessed with the bitch. In a nutshell, go for the gold. Don’t second guess something that feels right to the core. Try new things, because maybe there’s a hidden part of you that you are yet to reveal. Live a “yes” life. Not a “I’ll try it tomorrow” life.

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15. Make sure to ALWAYS have a bottle of champagne in the fridge

This one is a must. If I’ve learned anything in this life so far, it is how important it is to keep a bottle of champagne in the fridge for special occasions. And sometimes that special occasion is that there is a bottle of champagne in the fridge.

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Here’s to 2015! May the odds be ever in your favor.

*Cheers*

xoxo, H

Life After the 40 Acres: How to Make a Longhorn Homesick

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Recently I have been having some major withdrawals from my former life as a UT student. You would think that after 7 years I wouldn’t miss this place one bit. But I guess we all have those loser moments in life, where we find ourselves just trying to live in the past. Separation anxiety is real y’all. I’m working on it though.

Not to brag or anything, but UT Austin really is one of the most memorable places to spend your college years. Academics and sports aside, the 40 acres really has created a community of expression, tradition, and pride. Ask any former Longhorn. Most of us would tell you that UT campus will always feel like home. A nostalgic place full of memories and accomplishment.Yes, there are many things about “college” that I think we all miss. But for me, it’s the little things about the 40 acres that get me. The weird ass traditions and rituals that turned into normal daily encounters for us. Of course I’m proud of everything I achieved as a student there. But I’ve realized more and more how the little things from my college experience have shaped me into the crazy, yet successful, person I am today.

So yes, you’ve guessed it. I’ve decided to accumulate a list of things that get me all nostalgic, and missing that Longhorn lifestyle. For all you haters that did the honor of letting me know that you “hate bitches like this that make lists like Buzzfeed”, this is your cue to leave. It’s not my fault that you have no sense of humor, and can’t appreciate the fact that lists are much easier to read than a novel. And I’m all about EASE and HUMOR. So bye 🙂

Presenting, “Life After the 40 Acres: How to Make a Longhorn Homesick”

Turtle Pond 

Because I guess a fountain wouldn’t be “different” enough. I really do miss these little guys. I’ll never forget the time I was late to class (and missed a quiz, sorry mom) after rescuing one of the turtles that aimlessly made its way into the middle of the street. I got your back Frederick.

Late night hours at FAC/SSB

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I don’t think I’ve ever laughed as hard, smelt as bad, or cried as much as I did in those two buildings. You knew shit was about to get real every time you saw someone walk into the FAC or SSB wearing sweats and carrying food at midnight. The home of my first all-nighter. The go-to place for social hour. I may have never actually learned anything at those places, but I sure did make a lot of friendships.

Life Sciences Library 

The place to go when you actually have your shit together, and have actually started studying more than 48 hours before your test. The serene sactionary.The most beautiful library I’ve ever seen. OK fine. I usually only went there because it made me feel like I was at Hogwarts. When I wanted to bring out my inner Hermione Granger.

A girl can dream right?

Albino Squirrels

Our own species of squirrels. Because that’s totally normal. Anyone remember when one of the squirrels in the family (yes, there is a family) died and they held a ceremony for it? Only at UT. Only at UT. Note to all current students: these bad boys are next to impossible to find outside of campus. Cherish your days with the squirrels.

Texas Football (Student Section version)

OK, obviously no true UT alum lessens their Longhorn football pride. No matter where they are in life. But even your best tailgate as an alumnus has NOTHING on being a student during football season. I swear Saturdays were treated like holidays. And let’s be honest. I think I might have a heart attack if I sat in the student section these days.

Taking naps on the Six Pack lawn 

Our very own miniscule wanna-be Central Park. No but seriously. Laying on the grass in the Six Pack gives you such a beautiful view. Lay facing North, you see the tower. Lay facing South, you see the Capitol. Soak in that Austin breeze. Or should I say get drenched in the humidity? Either way, life is always perfect whilst spent on the Six Pack lawn.

Going out on a Thursday night

I apologize to my liver for the day I made the decision to join in on the “weekends really start on Thursday in college” theory. How we all survived going to school only a few blocks away from the dirty dirty, I will never know. The day the guy working nights at Taco Cabana called me by my first name, was the day I decided it was time to make changes in my life. I blame it on that Dobie lifestyle.

Bevo Bucks budgeting 

Those damn Bevo Bucks. The first sense of budgeting as a college student. I don’t know if you can even call it. I think most of my Bevo Bucks went to Red Bull, coffee, and Frosty’s. Eating real food was a privilege. It wasn’t until I got turned away at the movie theater, that I realized that this was a lot like Monopoly money. NOT REAL.

After hours Kerbey queso

It only counts if it’s midnight or later. Kerbey Lane attracts a different type of crowd late night. People like me that can only force myself to study if there is a bowl of diabetes sitting in front me, cheering me on.

Power walking across campus 

It should be against university policy to allow a student to sign up for a class on opposites sides of the 40 acres back to back. One semester I had 10 minutes to get from UTC to CPE. After bitching and moaning for weeks, I finally figured it out. But then I tore my ACL, and was using crutches to walk. I think I asked for a Segway for Christmas that year.

Junior “The Wendy’s Guy”

Junior, my man! Our university may have had Bevo as a mascot, but the Union had Junior. I remember asking him how and why he got so fast at ringing up orders at Wendy’s. He responded with “I always tell myself that, no matter what I’m doing, I should challenge myself to be the best at it”. Class act. After leaving UT, Junior had a couple hard years of being homeless. Last I heard, he had moved into short-term housing after a UT alumnus helped raise $30,000. Hook ’em!

The tower bell songs

Tom Anderson, you play beautiful music. The best part is when you get thrown off by a not so traditional song on the way to class. Yes, that was a Lady Gaga song.

Starbucks/Chipotle/Chik fil A runs to avoid studying

The joys of being close to the Drag. If your friends didn’t distract you, the never-ending options to choose from for dinner did. You call it being in denial. I call it coping.

People watching

Not a f***ing dull moment. Whether it’s catching a flash mob, or witnessing a mid-day bicycle clash on Speedway in between classes. There’s always something interesting to see. If you didn’t see it, you are guaranteed to find it on social media.

Yes, that is a bunch of students holding up fake swords on May 4th in honor of Star Wars Day. May the 4th be with you all.

PCL 5th floor

The pictures say it all. You’re only lying to yourself if you think you are going to the 5th floor to actually study. You will totally learn all the answers to life, you just may not come out knowing the answers on the test.

2 for $1 Double Dave’s pizza rolls on Tuesdays

Need I say more?

Signing up your friends to listservs for organizations in order to get free stuff 

Because that’s what real friends do. Those people take tabling SERIOUSLY in the West Mall. Not only did I get free shit and paraphernalia, but I get to enjoy watching you freak out once you realize that you are signed up to rush for that one frat/sorority you can’t stand. Jokes on you, bro.

FA bus

The Forty Acres bus may single-handedly be the least consistent piece of operation that I have ever come across. Nonetheless, you’re always bound to run into someone you know while riding. And possibly meet a new friend. Especially on rainy days, when people would rather be smothered in a strangers body odor than get a little wet.

The smells of SCIENCE coming from Welch 

Or maybe the smell of fear. Or the feel of realization when your professor addresses a room of 500 eager students with “Look to your right. Look to left. Only 1 of you will pass this class. Not everyone can be a doctor.” On the first day of class, mind you. No bullshitting around, huh!? Thankfully my Ochem TA thought I was cute, and didn’t make me pay for the entire distillation apparatus that I broke. Oh yeah. Timmmmberrrrr.

Monthly test alarms that always happened on Wednesday

I mean honestly. Is that really necessary? Anybody else mistake the 2012 bomb threat for a practice test? The best thing that came out of those alarms, was the fact that they helped me stay awake.

Those little UT tower water bottles

Cute, aren’t they?! Corny? Maybe. Awesome? 100%.

So there you have it. The little things about UT campus life that make me miss it every now and then. Don’t get me wrong. There isn’t an amount that you could pay me to power through another all-nighter. But to live a day in the life of a poor, malnourished, UT college student, trying to find a purpose in life through all of the interesting distractions in this weird ass place. That shit I would do for free.

Hook ’em baby!

*Cheers*

H

The 22 easiest ways to piss off every Austinite

Recently, a close friend of mine had me read a blog titled “The 22 easiest ways to piss off every New Yorker”. The more I read it, the more I realized how Austinites have their own little quirky annoyances about people who try to understand this place. Let’s be real. Unless you are a native, you have no idea.

So I jotted down the 22 easiest ways to piss off every Austinite:

1. Coming here

I mean this is pretty obvious. As much as I like having people visit, and showing friends around Austin, sometimes I’m afraid to! You come visit. You fall in love with the city. You move here. You make my monthly rent sky-rocket, and my commute to work take 15 extra minutes. So just stay the f**k out.

2. Driving slow

Every Austinite knows that when you see an opportunity on the freeway, you better BOOK IT. Opportunities like these don’t come often. So rather than “take your time”, your ass better be pedal to the metal. Because as much as you think that you will make it on time due to the lack of rush hour, everyone else in the car knows that you will be spending 15 minutes (minimal) looking for parking. You have a destination? Then do the rest of us a favor, and just GET THERE.

3. Making plans up North

No I will not go to the Salt Lick in Round Rock, and no I will not just “come along with” you to Ikea. In case you haven’t already gotten the hint, transportation is ROUGH in these parts. And unless it’s to see family, I can survive perfectly right here. In the central part of Austin.

4. Saying that Austin is over-hyped

This is just straight incompetence. If you really have the nerve to act like Austin is “over-hyped”, then get the hell out. We don’t need your negativity in our happy place. It’s not our fault you’re just jealous. But go ahead and act like Houston and all those metropolitan cities are “better”. I’m sure they will be welcoming you home with open arms after your trip is over. Hatas gonna hate.

5. Complaining about waiting

The only difference between you and me, is that I’ve planned for it. Emotionally and physically. The best things in life don’t come free. So for all you people who actually expect to mosey on in to Franklin’s, I’ll meet you at the bar after your mental breakdown due to impatience. We like to keep things interesting here in Austin.

6. Planning Happy Hour for 5 pm

Everyone knows that the time between 5-6 pm doesn’t really exist here. If you honestly expect for me to meet you somewhere, ANYWHERE, at 5:30 pm, I’m going to go along with it just to teach you a lesson. They have reverse happy hour for a reason. Oh, and there’s also Sundays.

7. Pronouncing street names correctly

I don’t give a rats ass what the “politically correct” way to say Guadalupe and Manchaca is. We are in Texas damnit, and butchering the pronunciation of most of the street names in Austin was a part of my childhood. There’s no need to get all butt hurt over nothing.

8. Picky eaters

If you are not down to try just about anything, you probably won’t fit in here. I mean, I guess they are more vegan, gluten-free, and vegetarian options here than most places. But if you can’t allow yourself to eat an entire Hopdoddy burger, indulge in a gallon of Amy’s, or smother your entire diet in queso, then you really are just taking up valuable space. You are stealing a spot that could be filled by a true Foodie. And that my friends, is just unAmerican.

9. Using a cab for a couple of blocks

Now, we are not in New York, by any means. But no one likes the girl who throws a bitch fit when her friends decide that they want to venture from east 6th to west 6th. The weather is nice, and quite frankly, we could all use the extra footage to help metabolize all that cheap liquor. But the biggest point with this one, is that you are in Austin. Half the people here probably run to their jobs in the morning. Get over it. Take a shot, and move on. And in times of desperation, flag down a pedi-cab.

10. Acting like food trailers are “dirty”

Ok, NO. I used to entertain the thought that yeah, maybe this wasn’t the healthiest way to dine. But then I was introduced to East Side Kings. And then Halal Bros. And then Chilantro. Just close your eyes, rid yourself of any amount of “care”, and bite into goodness. Plus, you will just fit in better that way.

11. Being an OU fan

Or affiliating with them for that matter. I don’t think I really need to explain this one. There is a never-ending hatred that has, like it or not, affected this entire city. Literally, NO ONE wants you here. Sorry bro. Tough love.

12. Not being able to grasp the concept of what a “One Way’ street entails

It’s printed in black and white, with a f****ing arrow pointing to where you should be going. Don’t get me wrong, I daze out a lot while driving too. But if you don’t notice that you are going the wrong way until you see the people all around you pointing and laughing, again, you don’t belong here.

13. Breakfast taco haters

I am astonished that there are still people out there that have the nerve to say “I don’t like breakfast tacos”. It gives me the chills every time. You are going to get tired of yogurt real quick. Probably after you get tired of waiting in the Starbucks drive-thru lines. Or maybe before you get tired of searching for a place that serves non-Tex Mex in the morning. Either way, no one is ever going to invite you for a breakfast date. No but seriously. They won’t go to the trouble.

14. Asking where the bats are

Oh dear god.

15. Not being able to enjoy live music

Or not even being able to talk about it. I mean, can you at least do a little research? We are called the Live Music Capitol of the world for a reason. I can count how many people don’t know who Willie Nelson is on one hand. Don’t be the fool to make it two hands. And don’t even think about complaining how the “live free music” is getting in the way of your dinner conversation. Don’t be that spoiled bitch. There’s room for only 1 Kim Kardashian in this world. And that bitch wouldn’t survive a day in these parts.

16. Pretentious people

This is not Dallas. No one cares how expensive your purse is, or that you got back stage tickets for ACL/SXSW. But for the people who do care, you can meet them at Rio on West 6th St. The rest of us are running around in flip-flops with our hair down. Long hair, don’t care.

17. SXSW goers who attend for the free shit, not the music

Again, you are just taking up space. Now move out of the way, and allow room for us people who actually do take some interest in cultural arts. You can always come back during Texas Relays or F1 to clog up the pipes in Austin. But give us this one week to ourselves. You know, the people who actually care about music and shit.

18. Taking a picture in front of the “I love you so much” sign

Honestly, is there anything more touristy?! And for all you natives, you should be ASHAMED. That wall is not a monument with historical value. It is the result of someone who was probably tripping acid and decided to take a stroll down Congress.

Now this is a picture worthy wall. Shout out to DPham.

(I’ll be honest with you guys, I regret adding this one to the list. Since posting this blog, I have been corrected numerous times regarding the true story of the I love you so much wall art. Amy Cook, an Austin-based musician, wrote it for her then partner, Liz Lambert. The couple had apparently been arguing, and Amy knew that Liz would see on her way home from work. And of course, she did. Oh, and Liz Lambert is the owner of Hotel San Jose and Jo’s Coffee Shop. I really hope that I didn’t offend anyone, especially Amy or Liz. I do believe all forms of art in Austin are beautiful, and the city wouldn’t be the same without it. So cheers to Amy and Liz, even though they are no longer together. And cheers to not knowing all the facts.)

19. Whining about the weather/allergies

Get over it. We deal with this shit all year long.The pollen is really just an organized attempt to get all of the people who don’t belong here out. Or at the least the ones that haven’t figured out how easy it is to go to a local pharmacy and purchase an antihistamine. Yes, people. That is how medicine works.

20. Asking for plastic at the grocery store

How behind the times are you?! I’m surprised Austin people don’t recycle their own waste. That’s how green we are. So yeah, next time you purchase a gallon of milk and some chips, you should probably just carry it out with your bare hands. Or if you really want to fit in, bring your own bag. But let’s be real. Even most locals aren’t that prepared. Or maybe I’m just really irresponsible.

21. People who insist that they will be able find street parking downtown

No you won’t. Take it from me. Spare yourself the pride, and the rest of us some time. Unless you are cool enough to valet everywhere, or really patient ( I mean REALLY patient. I think I spent an hour one time looking for a spot on Rainey Street. Like, that is frugal at an all time low). Uber it. Garage it. Cab it. Don’t question, just do it. Even if you get lucky and find a prime time spot, you will spend quality time interpreting how the meters work.

22. Judging, even in the slightest, all of the weirdness

You may all think that we are just a bunch of hippies. But we all think that y’all are plain boring. Don’t stare. Don’t make judgmental comments. Appreciate Austin, and she will appreciate you back. Besides, there’s a little “weird” in us all.

So there you have it. ATX till the day I die. Born and raised. Probably biased. Most definitely proud. Just a weird girl, living in a utopia of “interesting”. Basically, don’t do these things, and you will be loved by all Austinites. Now, go back to where you came from.

*Cheers

H

Mad Stacks, yo

***SPOILER ALERT***  

(While I will not be giving away vital details of the story, you may not want to read this if you want to start the Breaking Bad series with a clean slate. Although, if you do read this without having seen the show, you will most likely be starting it tonight. Because I am about to make you fall in love with each and every character. Quiet frankly, all you people who haven’t invested into the darkness that is Walter White should be ashamed of yourselves.)

After many months of doing everything I could to drag out the series, I finally finished the last episode of Breaking Bad last night. As what often happens when I finish a good show, today starts the beginning of my state of mourning. A state of separation anxiety that will eventually lead to withdrawals. But before I offer to give up my first-born to AMC in exchange for just one more season, I thought I should try to look at things as glass half full. Just like any good series, I honestly feel that Vince Gilligan has touched close to home. Even though I have no plans in the near future to go out and cook a fat batch of blue, I believe that good television can teach you all kinds of things about life. If it weren’t for J. K. Rowling, Hermione would have never taught me how important it is to embrace your intelligence over your beauty. And if it weren’t for Gossip Girl, Blair would have never shown me that being powerful doesn’t necessarily make you a bitch. And that if it does, who cares.

With that being said, Vince Gilligan is a true genius for creating a story that is so moving and well articulated. I mean anyone with the slightest appreciation for performing arts can see how perfectly selected every character is, and how even the smallest details are executed in a way to provide the audience with the information they need, but not directly. That’s hard to do! OK sorry, I could go on forever.

Basically, I wanted to point out all of the great things that each character brings to the table. How Gilligan does the most amazing job of making you love a character one minute, and hate them the next. And most importantly, how each character has their own way of teaching you lessons about life.

Walter White

It’s unbelievable how you learn to love Walt and hate him all at the same time. It’s like, sometimes he’s the victim, sometimes he’s the villain. And every episode is a constant struggle, trying to figure out if you’re on his side or not. But the man is a GENIUS. Whether his actions are from good intentions or not, who wouldn’t want Walter White on their side. I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be his enemy. And the most honorable thing about him, is he always seems to be his #1 supporter. It’s always interesting to see the internal struggle he goes through with himself constantly on the show. But after feeling sorry for himself with that awful sobbing face he makes, he pulls his shit together, puts on that signature top hat, and walks straight into a brawl of drug lords as if he is Scarface. Highschool chemistry teacher by day, hood rat crystal slinger by night. WHO DOES THAT? So what does he teach us? Walt shows us how much stronger we are than we think. Can you imagine, if you found out right now, that you had a terminal illness? What would you do? I’m sure you’re probably thinking that you would feel really sorry for yourself, and spend the rest of your days with your loved ones in sorrow. But WW portrays the perfect example of what the human body does under turmoil. It SURVIVES. It puts all bets aside, and does what it needs to, in order to provide. To conquer. To be the best with what you have.

Jesse Pinkman 

My absolute FAVORITE character. I loved Jesse from the very beginning. When everyone else only saw his druggie banter and lack of hygiene or morality, I saw the kind heart and vulnerability underneath the over-sized hoodie. To say that Jesse went through a lot of shit on the show, would be an understatement. That fool found a whole new meaning to the phrase “the struggle is real”. However, I will always hold a soft spot for Jesse Pinkman due to his selflessness and compassion for others. The son of a bitch gets abused, taking advantage of, thrown on the streets…yet he would rather give his money away to a stranger who needs it. Shit, the kid stops to make a little boy a marshmallow sandwich while hiding in a meth house. Jesse reminds us that no matter what, even the “baddest” ones can have a lot of good. The character with basically no backbone, no family support, and zero f***s to give is the one with the biggest heart. Never give up on the Jesse Pinkman’s! Because, science bitch. Gets me every time.

Skylar White

While a lot of you may not like Sky, I think her character is one of the most important. Ok, picture this. After months of having that “something’s fishy” feeling, you come to terms with the possibility that your husband and father of your children slings Mary Jane throughout the neighborhood. But seeing as he is dealing with lung cancer, you do every thing you can from being the bitch wife that calls him out for it. However, after soft affair scandal and a couple of “hospital visits”, you find out indeed that Mary Jane is like a breath of fresh air compared to the actual reality. Through it all, this bitch keeps things 100.  She is the NeNe Leakes of good not-reality television. She portrays how even when our loved ones absolutely hate us, they will always protect us. However, I would prefer a FROYO shop over a car wash. But I got you Sky.

Hank Schrader

Hank is your typical crazy uncle who always tells the inappropriate jokes and never knows when to shut up. A combination of a jester and a ladies man all wrapped up into a ball of alcohol-loving DEA badass. The dude goes from ruthless attacks at teenage junkies, to starting a collection of “minerals”. Hank, they are f***ing rocks, but have it your way. Anyways, the guy is a straight hero and straight naive all at the same time. But let me tell you what. While family means everything to him, busting bad guys means even more. Agent Shrader proves that too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. Sometimes the mind can be our biggest enemy. Shit, not even John Wayne always got his way.

Walt Junior

 

Definitely the best person to break tension in the room. Walt Jr. is always so f***ing clueless. However, he’s the first one to speak exactly what’s on his mind. As much as his drug dealing parents do everything in their power to protect him, all he wants is to be treated like a normal teenager. Someone who idolizes his father at all faults, and loves to blame everything on his caring mother. Sounds like a lot of you assholes out there. Just kidding. Struggling to walk due to being born with cerebral palsy, WJ never hesitates at a moment to prove that he is anything but less than. And that fool loves breakfast. I would do anything to introduce this young man to a nice Sunday brunch buffet.

Sal Goodman

Gotta call Sal! Don’t we will wish we could find a lawyer that specialized in “shitty situations”. Honestly. How awesome would it be to have a lawyer that you could call to “take care of things”. One who also knew how to always make light of the situation. And who could hide any amount of money, all the while cracking jokes that most people wouldn’t be able to understand. Witty one you are, Sal. Poor guy always getting stuck in the middle of it. But the great thing about Sal, is he always has a way to show that there are two sides to the story. The master of “innocent until proven guilty”. Quiet possible that he got his law degree from the circus, but I’m not complaining.

Gus

This one is easy people. Looks can be deceiving. I f***ing hate Gus. Always have, always will. Selfish son of a bitch.

Badger & Skinny Pete

Even if you haven’t seen the show, it’s pretty obvious that these two stick out like sore thumbs. Just utterly clueless to what’s going on in the world. I’m not even sure it’s possible to breathe with that few brain cells. However, all judgement aside, Jesse always knew who to turn to in times of “need”. A reminder that, Ride or Die friends are more valuable than people who you just have a lot in common with. Whether they shower or not. The loyalty is there.

Jane Margolis

Jane’s character was such a breath of fresh air. Didn’t even feel like acting. While she yes, was also going through troubled times, she never tried to be someone she wasn’t. She was just so raw and real. Love me or hate me. Take it or leave it. Unfortunately, she left us with feelings of sadness. Reminding us that only the good die young. And if you didn’t know that she died, well sucks for you. Sorry. I am 100% not to blame, hence the disclaimer at the top.

Mike Ehrmantraut

No good drug story ever existed without having a high quality hit-man. That is in his 60’s. And takes his granddaughter to the park. I mean it really is just too good. Plus, I think its possible that the guy has zero feelings. Straight OG. Just goes to show, that sometimes business is just business.

So there you have it. My personal farewell to all of my beloved friends that I have met and fallen in love with over the past 5 series.

Gilligan, two thumbs up bro. Any producer that can get me that invested emotionally is Oscar worthy in my book. Now do me a favor, create another season, and save us all from this misery. In the mean time, thank you for teaching me more about life through the eyes of a meth-head criminal.

*Cheers*

H

Can I get that in a sentence, please?

Why do we humans learn to say things that make absolutely no sense?! Phrases that we have simply caught on to, in order to communicate with the rest of civilization. Now don’t get me wrong… I am the QUEEN of abbrevs. You know. Cutting things short. Totes. Obvi. Bless (instead of bless you). It’s a hard world out there, just trying to be efficient. Just kidding. I honestly do it because it’s fun and it makes people laugh.

With that being said, there are some things that people say that literally sound incompetent. Myself included. And it took me having to sit down and think before I actually realized it! I mean shit. Do they even enforce English in school anymore? Or maybe I’m just your typical dumb blonde, that doesn’t understand the message behind any of it.

Either way, thought I would throw some of my favorite “what the f***k does that even mean” words and phrases out there. While it’s all fun and games to play with the English language, let’s not forget that we are unfortunately not in the rap industry.

I’ll start with this lovely little gem:

“Turnt up”

What the hell people?! I have a friend (shout out to Justin V) who literally thought people were saying “turnip”. “Why is everyone so hyped on turnips these days?!” Oh have mercy. Ok but seriously, this is dumb. Anybody else think that this term is a disgrace to American society? And to make it even more confusing, you can phrase it as “turnt down for what”. Which I guess is supposed to be a rhetorical question, meaning that OBVI YOU AREN’T GONNA TURN DOWN, YOU GONNA TURN UP! And to make things even more flavorful, we add a “t” at the end of it. Am I missing something here?!

Leo knows how to get “turnt up”, guys. Yes, that is sarcasm.

“Bae”

OK… like I said, I totally get abbreviating things. But taking out a letter can make things confusing people. I guess sometimes, it’s just too difficult to pronounce another b.

“Doe”

Doe: an adult female in some animal species such as deer and goat. Not a replacement for the word “though” at the end of a sentence, more often than not, where even the word “though” wouldn’t normally be used. Why can’t we all just say “damnnn that girl has an ass”. But noooooo. “Dat ass doe” makes much more sense, right?! Um…no?

“LOLZ”

Yes, I understand that LOL stands for laugh out loud. Ok, that totally works. But when you switch it up and put a “z” on the end… huh?! And sometimes even multiple z’s. Like, are you super tired right now? Or are you sad that “z” doesn’t get as much attention as all of the other letters? I CAN’T READ YOUR MIND.

“Bat shit crazy”

Why is their shit crazy? Honestly, all you women out there should be thankful for that shit. Because that shit is sitting on your eyelashes right now. Plus, bats are not as crazy as they are dirty. Not today, rabies. Not today.

“Brah”

Bra is short for brassiere, which is a women’s undergarment that supports her breast. I understand the “bro” gesture fellas, but replacing it with a reference to Victoria Secret lingerie, doesn’t make your bromance any stronger. And if you have already graduated college and you are still using this word, you should especially be embarrassed. We can’t all be frat guys forever.

“YOLO”

Yes, I think at this point in our lives, we are all aware that we only have one lifetime. And if your way of persuading me to go out on a Thursday night is by throwing “YOLO” in a text, then I’m most definitely not going out. Because while I only have one life to party, I also only have one life to watch Netflix and eat pizza in bed.

“Twerk”

Miley Cyrus, you are to blame for this one. I don’t hate the act of shaking your ass, because I find it funny and a great way to get a quick work out in. What I do hate, is this shit show of a word. I swear, who is paying Wikipedia to create this nonsense?!

OK, this isn’t really twerking, but it made me laugh so hard.

Putting “best” before your signature in an email

While I understand that this is actually considered to be politically correct, I still don’t get it! Best what? Best wishes? I’m the best? You’re the best? Best friends? I’ll just stick with sincerely. Boring, but straight forward!

But I’m just gonna smile and look pretty.

OK, just had to get that out there.They really should start offering a “how to understand human communication” course at community colleges. Until then, I’ll just continue to let reality television educate me.

Latas brah, Don’t forget to get turnt tonight because YOLO.

xoxo, H

What a Girl Wants (as told by Mindy Kaling)

Someone once told me that I’m so blunt, I reminded them of Mindy Kaling. OMG. BEST DAY EVER. Literally….ever! No one keeps it more real than this broad. Let’s be honest, the world would be a lot more awesome if all you females out there learned how to keep things 100 like Mindy.

So I decided to share some of my favorite moments where Mindy nailed what it’s like to be a young, still-trying-to-figure-it-out, woman. Full of compassion, confusion, and unwanted hangovers. Listen up guys. You know who to call next time you’re thinking “women are so hard to figure out”.

Can’t you guys not catch a hint? I was into you until you opened your mouth.

Hey man. Gotta tell them what’s up from the get go. You tell her, girl!

Giving off that “I’m in my child-bearing years so I have to act like I’m naturally motherly” vibe. When are your parents coming back sweetie?!

Let’s just cut to the chase. No one cares that you have Arnold Schwarzenegger abs if you can’t wine and dine a bitch like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

You better recognize. You know what they say…you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.Now give me the respect I deserve. And if you cant give me that, at least give me a lot of attention. Because I’m a woman. And bitches love attention.

Only the smartest women know to compare their life to Beyonce’s on the daily in order to rise to the top. And pad thai is delicious. And people that can give themselves warrior names are f***ing hilarious.

Make sure you understand this, fellas. There is a BIG difference. Just like leaves that change color, my body may too encounter some adjustments throughout the seasons.I am a woman. I am not a model. Shit, even the girl in the magazine doesn’t look like the girl in the magazine.

Got too much shit to do. Not a fan of other people’s first world problems. And if you don’t understand the single white female situation, you clearly don’t know Jennifer Aniston as well as you should.

Just calling bitches out. Alright, let’s go eat a burger.

Netflix will never betray me. Socializing in public requires too much energy when you aren’t in the mood. And if I’m wearing a sweatshirt, I guarantee you I’m not in the mood.

It’s the thought that counts, bitches.

A lady never tells. But on those nights of weakness when you can’t say no to Mrs. Baird’s, guess you don’t feel very ladylike anyways. I feel you Mindy. I can totally relate.

Life is too stressful. There are too many things that need to be figured out. You will never understand how hard it is to be a female.

You should just know to ask the sensitive questions indirectly. It’s science.

A confident woman is a sexy woman. And if you disagree, I probably don’t like you anyways.

Now turn over so we can both enjoy this exciting time in peace.

So let me be Sandra Bullock. And don’t ask me why I’m riding a bicycle in a sparkly dress. Sometimes I like to drink champagne, get tipsy, and give myself a challenge.

This woman is my soul mate (sorry babe). So if you ever find her, give her my contact information.

*Cheers*

xoxo, H

Twigooglinstabook: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Alright people, let’s talk about a little thing that we call the Internet. Lately I have about HAD IT with the garbage that I come across on the web on a daily basis. When did we all become so gullible and naive? We are all smart people. I mean, let’s be honest. If you are reading this blog, you are obviously a very intelligent human being.

But seriously..when did we all start to believe everything we read? Like I always say, I am just as guilty. But NEWS FLASH, this is baaaddddd. Since the internet came into your life, have you really ever had a real opinion on something? That wasn’t persuaded by some bias blog that you read online? I never want to make this blog political, but if you know me at all, you know how I feel about the internet’s influence on medicine. Oh, and while we are on that, can we all be adults and stop posting Ebola jokes on Facebook?! We get it. You read the news. Congratulations! Now start taking this shit seriously. Plus, no one wants to hear another lame Walking Dead reference. And quite frankly, you should really do your research before making idiotic references.

RANT OVER. Sorry mom.

So basically I wanted to lay out the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly element that make up the internet.Because while my life would never be the same without Pinterest, it’s important to keep in mind that Wikipedia does not hold the answer to all of life’s secrets.

The Good

Convenience

Can you imagine life without Facebook or Instagram? A life where you would actually have to hang out with your friends to know what’s going on in their lives. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Accessible

It’s so easy. Because I feel like being corny, “it’s only a click away”. Honestly, no one really has an excuse anymore. If you don’t have internet access, take your ass to a coffee shop for some free WiFi. The first few days of no cable/internet after moving into a new place are literally the saddest.

Free

Do I really have to explain this?

Entertaining

Don’t tell me I’m the only girl that gets on Pinterest when my boyfriend turns on a boring TV show. Or tell me why I think it’s okay to follow all of these celebrities as I if I actually know them? Because it’s f***ing entertaining, that’s why. It’s hilarious.

Informative (hm…. or so we think)

This invisible world full of knowledge. Who else has forgotten that Encyclopedias exist? I’ll never forget the professor that told me that Wikipedia actually is a reputable source. Yeah okay, you go tell The New England Journal of Medicine that (nerd joke). Seriously though. Do ya’ll even remember going to the library and using those little paper filing system things? Embarrassingly enough, I don’t even know what those are called. Sorry again, mom. I probably would have failed high school if it weren’t for the internet. Because once again, AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.

The Bad

Depressing 

Every now and then I get what I like to call “The Facebook Blues”. When you sign on and after about 30 minutes of “looking around”, you realize that you’re in a sour mood. Why is that? Because the internet has created this template for people to relay all of their FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS. I honestly look at statuses and think “no wonder everyone hates America”. And if the complaining doesn’t get to you, the vulgar “comment fighting” on every political post or video will. I mean damn, can we all just get along?!

Addicting

Babysitting is much more of a cush gig these days than it used to be. Why? Because you give a kid an iPhone or a computer and your job is done. It’s unbelievable how much time we all spend on the internet. For instance, checking you social media apps while in traffic. As if you’re going to miss out on some important piece of information by waiting 30 minutes to get home. But it’s so harrrddd.

Distracting

To the point where companies are having to put the obligatory “don’t get on Facebook at work” nonsense in the job description manual. What about when you get on your computer to do work, and you realize that an hour has gone by with zero progress. WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?! Google and their ever so clever seasonal games on the home page. Okay, but those games are fun.

The Ugly 

Unreliable 

People need to stop believing that everything they need to know will be provided to them on the web. This a no brainer guys. But we still do it! One day you might find what you need, and one day you might not. I mean damn, look at how unreliable weather.com is. Why do I even look? And I’m still always the girl who forgets her umbrella. I’m that girl.

Unaccountable

This is the whole reason I decided to write this blog. Hey man, if I can provide a public service announcement while being funny (or trying to be), might as well! I don’t know how to emphasize this enough…DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ OFF THE INTERNET! It’s not standardized. It’s BIAS. It’s unaccredited. It’s garbage half the time. Garbage coming from someone who decided to blog about something they have a strong opinion on, with little to no facts. I could literally write on my blog about a fake Ebola case in Austin, Tx, and I guarantee you somebody will share it on Facebook. Without second guessing any of it. Always second guess, people. Look further into it before you let it persuade you. You’re smarter than that. Don’t let the internet fool you.

Sorry if I annoyed you guys with my internet scolding, but I guess I decided to wear my MOM pants today. I mean, why not bring it up? I know we all are thinking it. But don’t get me wrong. I am VERY grateful for the internet. Because I can pay my bills online and watch Netflix. Oh, and online shop.

And lastly, a picture of a quiche my friend Irina made. She wanted me to blog about it. But that would have been hellah boring.

imagejpeg_0

*Cheers*

xoxo, H

 

That Instagram Reputation

I’ve always wanted to blog about a little thing I like to call the Instagram ego. We have our real lives, and then we have our lives on Instagram. This innate expectation that we feel, to live up to the social media world standards. Instagram, you are the bane of my existence. But I still love ya boo. 

So ladies and gentlemen, I’m putting it all out there. I was very hesistant to put all the Insta whores of the world (myself included) on blast, but it’s just too funny. This is a very vulnerable position to be in, so bear with me! And as you start to laugh, remember that you are laughing with me, not at me! We are all guilty of this. The stress that son-of-a-bitch app can bring to our lives. I present to you: 

The 10 struggles of keeping up with your Instagram reputation

1. The ever so difficult choice of filters. Vintage? Black and white? Going with that summer haze with the Toaster filter, but making sure to not look too orange. Or wanting to go with the more subtle look by using Amaro, but being terrified of looking too pale. And why the hell will X-Pro II make one picture look straight out of a magazine, and then totally fail the next time you use it?! The filter you choose can MAKE OR BREAK an instragram post. You all know it’s true. Shit, we’re faced with so many decisions everyday, why I gotta waste energy on choosing a filter too?? The struggle is real.

2. Lucky number 11. Don’t even try to act like you don’t know what’s so great about #11. When you get 11 likes and you feel like you’ve accomplished something. When the like section goes from exposing all of the kind people that gave you a chance to a condensed form of “likers”. It’s like all of the instagram pictures that never reached their 11th like are an embarassment to the insta world.

3. Rushing to post a photo before your friends do. “I get to upload this one!”. We all do it. When you’re out at an event with some friends, your outfit couldn’t be more perfect, the picture turns out so chic, and then some bitch posts it before you. Ugh, bitch don’t kill my vibe. Those few minutes after the picture has been taken and before it’s uploaded totally feel like one of those “IT’S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN” moments. Slow-mo and all. Survival of the fittest, ya’ll. 

4. Making sure to keep it candid, obvi. I mean you can’t pose everytime. DUH. And how f***ing awkward is it when everyone knows they want it to be candid, but no one says it out loud so you all just kind of laugh and look at each other like idiots. Praying that the person taking the picture will turn into Nigil Barker for just a second. Why can’t we all be as care-free and naturally gorgeous like Kate Moss? I guess it’s safe to say that I won’t be able to spark off my modeling career through Instagram. Damnit.

5. Keeping that followers to following ratio on point. VITAL. Because we all totally think we are worthy of having more people be interested in what we are doing than vice versa. This shit actually makes me laugh out loud. But nonetheless, I’m guilty of it. You know, when someone that you don’t know that well adds you and you’re all like “yes, this is totally going to help my followers:following ratio out because I’m definetly not following them back”. OK, maybe I’m just a bitch. Let’s all be honest to ourselves though. Only the rich and famous have thousands of people following them. I guess we shouldn’t get upset that we don’t, because our lives are scum compared to theirs. FYI, Beyonce has 16 million followers and ZERO people that she follows. Straight Queen status. 

6. Showing how cultural you are. Because no one has to know that your life isn’t really as interesting as it may appear. Go to the great wall of China, instagram. Sit on your ass eating take-out all day, taking a day off from instagram. And then just pick up with your super diverse lifestyle again in a few weeks when you go to Coachella. No one has to know that you are just as boring as the rest of us in between those two posts.

7. Nailing your caption. “Omg guys, what should my caption be ?!” Is it going to be a play on words? Or one of those subtle one-liners? Do I make it an inside joke so that I can get joy out of knowing that nobody understands what the hell I’m talking about? Hashtags, or no hashtags? Or I can always make my caption straight forward like the professional that I am. 

8. Portraying the diet you wish you had. Food is hands down my favorite thing to take pictures of. I could be eating pop tarts every day of the week, but if I post a picture of my delicious healthy-looking salad one day, I have you all fooled. And how embarassing is it when you forget that your flash is on, and you reveal to everyone in the restaurant that you are in fact documenting your meal on social media. Not embarassing enough to not do it, I can tell you that. Even though I can’t afford to eat at the Four Seasons everyday, I can make the rest of the world think I can.

9. Knowing when it’s acceptable to post a selfie. Is it every 5 pictures or every 10 pictures? Who knows anymore. Is it more acceptable if you are taking a selfie with other people in it? Man, how stressful. I sure as hell don’t want people to think I’m still in high school. But if a girl wants to show off her new lip gloss, let her. Right? All I know, is if my arms where just a few inches longer, my selfies would be that much more beautiful. Science, bitch.

10. Coming to terms with the fact that you indeed are not a photographer. Diagnosing yourself on WebMD doesn’t make you a doctor, now does it? The answer is NO. However, practice makes perfect. Just like a fine wine gets better with time, so will your photographic abilities when it comes to Instagram posting. 

For all of you people out there acting like none of this is true, you’re LYING TO YOURSELF. 

May the Instagram odds be ever in your favor. 

XoXo H

25 going on 15

So I have been spending a lot of time lately thinking about how scary it is to be a full-blown adult. You know that feeling. One day you wake up and think “woah, shit feels different now”. I call it the Adult Switch. Making money, but paying bills. Having a real big girl job, but working on weekends and holidays. Living in a cute little apartment in a cool ass city, but paying the price of a small child in order to do so. Basically, having to grasp the fact that independence comes with responsibility.

I know, I know. You’re thinking ‘wah wah wah pooorrr Hayley’. I get it, life could most certainly be worst. But hear me out on this. No one ever prepares you for this shit. You go to college, you graduate, you integrate into society peacefully like the rest of us. Um, YEAH RIGHT. I still feel like I’m a teenager half the time. Don’t lie. I know that at least half the people reading this know exactly what I am saying. However, rather than focus on all the things I still don’t have the slightest concept on, I’ve been trying to focus on how awesome it is to be young, successful, and vulnerable. Finally found my next topic to blog about. (On a side note, writers block is a REAL thing. Holy shit. J K Rowling you are a true genius).

Get it Dumbledore

So I thought I would help all my friends out there that are probably feeling the same way I am at this point in their lives. While growing up can be terrifying, we need to realize how exciting this part of our lives is. So I have listed 25 things to keep in mind as you transition into adulthood as a 20-something. While these are the things we may find scary, they are also the reasons why being in your twenties is f***king awesome. Take notes my friend.

1. Your only priority is YOU. You have made it this far. Now is the time to be selfish and make choices that are beneficial for YOU. Before you know it you will have a family of your own that will become your #1 priority. So yes, be selfish my friends. Take a job promotion in another state. If he’s meant to be, it’ll work out. Travel solo. Buy a sports car because you have the money and why not? Find a hobby that makes YOU happy. And wear pajamas all day on Sunday because that is your God given right.

2. Quality over quantity. In all forms of life. Friends. Food. Relationships (I’m hoping this one is obvious for ya’ll). Accomplishments. Not always clothes. Unless you’re talking about LuLu Lemon yoga pants, Rainbow flip flops, or a pair of Lucchese’s. It gets easier after you stop wearing Forever 21 ladies. (Let’s be honest, I’ll probably never stop. Where else can you pay $20 for an entire decent looking outfit?! I think I’ve found an exception to my rule…)

3. You have probably failed more than once already, and you will fail again. This one can be hard coming right out of school. The fear of having to ask a colleague about something that you probably should have learned during the first semester of pharmacy school. Yeah it blows. But failing is inevitable. Step into everything full throttle with 100%, no holding back. And whenever you have fear of failing, remember that Michael Jordan (aka the best basketball player of all times) didn’t make Varsity basketball in high school. Rome wasn’t built overnight people.  

4. Debt is basically your middle name, but you are a survivor. RAMEN NOODLES, my first love. Most of us are still stuck in that frugal way of life. Thanks college tuition. If you have ever made it through on $500 a month (yes, it’s possible) then you should never be afraid of going completely broke. But I think the main thing to keep in mind, is that money is money. It will always come back. Don’t waste your life away worrying about how rent is going to get paid. I am guilty of this. In the words of Destiny’s Child, “YOU WILL SURVIVE”. 

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5. Not drinking 5 days out of the week is finally acceptable. Thank god. My liver is elated with joy over this. Don’t let the FOMO get to you when you really just want to Netflix all night. I think it’s safe to say that most of us have had enough spring break experiences to understand that alcohol is your friend until it isn’t anymore. And since you are no longer 21, you don’t have to be worried about getting called out for rainchecking on your friends. Don’t deny it. The refreshing feeling knowing that you don’t have to spend all that energy multiple times a week. That means you are GROWN. Weird isn’t it?!

6. Don’t lose sight of who your real friends are. This one I hold close to my heart. I truly feel that we would not be able to survive without genuine friends. Acquintances will come and go. But your true friends have your best interest at heart. They will always be there. They are the ones that you can go a year without seeing, and it feels like nothing has changed the second you reunite. The ones that know your deepest secrets. The ones that love the fact that you are a walking shit show. The ones that tell you what you need to hear, even when you don’t want to hear it. The ones worth fighting for in any and every situation. Friends are the people in your life that know how to pick you up when you are feeling at your lowest. You would not be the person you are today without your friends. Whether it’s 1 friend, or 20 friends. Never take advantage of them, nor let them take advantage of you. While this rule might seem like its obvious, I think it’s one of the most important. ❤ And no, this did not come from a Hallmark card. Enough of the sentimental garbage Hayley. I can’t help that I have the greatest friends I girl could ask for!

7. Speak up for yourself. ALWAYS. No excuses. I don’t care if you “have always been shy”, or “had a bad experience one time”. All of your dreams aren’t going to magically start growing off the tree in your backyard. If you don’t stand up and go for what you want, you may not get it. You should always be your biggest advocate. If you have an asshole boss, tell him to stop being an asshole. Ok, maybe not to that extreme, but you get what I’m saying. 

8. A man isn’t the only thing that has/will break your heart. The Beyonce & Jay Z divorce rumors. The fact that Leonardo DiCaprio was way out of my league when Titanic came out during 4th grade. Tearing my ACL my senior year playing basketball during our first home game of the year. There are multiple things that will tug at your heartstrings, especially during your twenties. Don’t sweat it, embrace it. That means you have a heart. It means you’re human. 

9. By now, you know what you do and don’t like. Don’t be afraid if it’s not what other people like. You hold the key to your own happiness. If you don’t want to go to ACL because you hate large crowds and you think the music sounds like shit, then don’t. Choose for you. Who cares what other people think? Because at the end of the day, you can’t help the fact that they aren’t as cool as you. 

10. Love should come freely. Real love is genuine, and comes at no price. It shouldn’t be forced, and it shouldn’t be taken for granted. Don’t let outsider opinions influence how you should love someone. Who cares if people judge your relationship. I have dealt with judgement of my relationship for years now. But the second I learned to not care what others thought , I really allowed myself to love. Life is to short to not experience that “cant eat, can’t sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, World Series kind of stuff” love. It should be easy, and it should be fulfilling. Don’t settle because you feel pressure from others getting married. And if you are struggling to find the right kind of love, you can always work on loving yourself in the mean time. More Hallmark bullshit. My apologies. 

11. Don’t let your body age with you. Another hard one. Your body is a vessel, and it is the only thing that will stick by your side throughout your entire life. As it ages it requires a little bit more TLC. And it deserves that care, because it has put up with your ass (no pun intended) for so long. Don’t let yourself go. We aren’t gonna be young forever, so we should really take care of our bodies while we can. Exercise. Relax your mind. Eat healthy, but not too healthy to the point that you don’t allow your body to enjoy nourishment. The body wants what the body wants. Whoever said “an apple a day keeps the doctor away” was full of shit. I would much rather eat a banana everyday. But you get the gist. Treat your body like a temple. (But totally get tattoos if that’s your thing). 

12. Never lose your inner childish waysWhile yes you do a lot of growing up in your 20s, you’re still young enough to act out like the child you really are every now and then. No one likes a Debbie Downer. Things don’t have to be so serious and boring all the time. Be weird, loud (only on occasion, or you may start to piss people off), and silly. Make your youthfulness contagious.  Find a happy medium between your inner Will Ferrell and Robin Williams. Life should never be taken too seriously. 

13. Learn how to take a compliment. You may not know it by now, but someone has seen potential in you. Your employer. Your alma mater. Your parents. Your significant other. Sometimes we can be so critical on ourselves, that it’s hard to hear the positive things that people have to say about us. When someone tells you you’re f***king awesome, believe it. Why shouldn’t you believe that?! In return, learn how to build other people up through compliments. A simple “damnnnn girll, you look awesome today!” can go a long way. 

14. You don’t always have to be right. This one is very hard for me. Im a stubborn ass, I have Gray in my blood. It’s so much harder to listen before you open your mouth. But you learn so much more when you listen rather than worry about being right. Especially at the start of your career. You are at the very bottom right now. You can only go up. So don’t be afraid to do things differently for once. This rule is especially hard when talking about politics. But I hate politics, so you’re welcome. 

15. You can travel, because you’re in your 20s, and that’s what people expect from you. Just go. Doesn’t matter with who. Doesn’t matter where. You don’t want to wake up day and realize it’s too late to see the rest of the world. One word: Amsterdam. 

16. Embrace the fact that the bond between you and your family is stronger than ever. This has to be one of the best things about growing older. You always hear that you will grow closer with age, but it usually sounds like a load of crap. Honestly, I’m probably closer with my family than I have ever been. They can finally see me as a responsible adult, rather than a raging asshole of a teenager. Let’s face it, we were all awful. My parents and my sister are my heroes. In more ways than one. 

17. Setbacks shouldn’t bother you as much as they used to. It’s never as bad as it seems. You know that one bitch that used to always make you feel less than? Where is she at now?! Exactly. Never take anything too seriously. Life will move on. That horrible haircut will eventually grow out. Just because you didn’t get the first draft pick in your fantasy football league, doesn’t mean that you have already lost the season. Screw you Adrian Peterson, and your tendency to score ridiculous amounts of points. Life will move on. 

18. Expect to be respected. Because you aren’t 21 anymore, and your supposed to have your shit together right?! Not always…. but if you portray the image that you are respectable, you will be respected. And if not, change that shit. You are too fabulous not to be treated like you are. 

19. Unapologetically wear whatever the hell you want. Clothes are simply the easiest way to express yourself. Your mood changes, your clothes change. I love it because, unless you are a stereotypical Barbie, the way you dress yourself is a reflection of who you are. Your wardrobe should be your best friend. My boyfriend will hate me for saying this, but there’s nothing like buying a new pair of shoes when none else can make you happy. You judge me because I wear stretchy leather pants? Well then screw you. I’m not even sure if we can be friends considering the fact that you don’t like stretchy leather pants. WTF man. 

20. Champagne. Need I say more?

And now you can afford. Do your thing Lucy.

21. Knowledge is power. Even though a college degree doesn’t land you a job as quick as it used to, never lose sight of the fact that education is what keeps you competitive in this society. It’s all about who you know, what you have done, and the strides you took to get there. Education is the one thing that no one can ever take from you. We should always be striving to learn more and teach more. If all else fails, at least you will be badass at Flying Saucer trivia night. 

22. Appreciate culture. Food, music, religion, sports, clothes, traditional rituals, etc. Hell, even pop culture. Your way of life is only minute compared to what’s going on in the rest of the world. Culture is what brings us all together. Being able to share culture with others is one of the most fulfilling gifts. OK fine, I just really like food. Oh, and sports.

23. Never lose sight of the little things. Dude, we are the last generation that knows what life was like before the internet. What the hell right?! Sometimes we forget the simple things. Taking a walk. Cooking dinner. Snail Mail. Camping. Enjoying life without technology. Simply enjoying someone else’s company over a cup of coffee. Try not to forget where you came from. You never know when you may be asked to go on Naked and Afraid. 

24. Celebrate, celebrate, celebrate. Every. little. moment. worth. celebrating. 

25. Take chances! Now, when you can. We only have 10 years of our twenties. This is the time to make crazy decisions in order to experience new things. When you are still young enough.Life is too short. Don’t look for excuses to not do something that you really have an irk to do. Because you’re a 20-something, and you’re allowed do insane things. 

Now, I am not an expert of any of these things. Not even close. This is just a collection of things that I’ve been told and things that I have read about growing up in your 20s. At the end of the day, don’t let “growing up” upset you. Age is just a number. And we will always be young souls at heart. 

*Cheers*

xoxo H