The 22 easiest ways to piss off every Austinite

Recently, a close friend of mine had me read a blog titled “The 22 easiest ways to piss off every New Yorker”. The more I read it, the more I realized how Austinites have their own little quirky annoyances about people who try to understand this place. Let’s be real. Unless you are a native, you have no idea.

So I jotted down the 22 easiest ways to piss off every Austinite:

1. Coming here

I mean this is pretty obvious. As much as I like having people visit, and showing friends around Austin, sometimes I’m afraid to! You come visit. You fall in love with the city. You move here. You make my monthly rent sky-rocket, and my commute to work take 15 extra minutes. So just stay the f**k out.

2. Driving slow

Every Austinite knows that when you see an opportunity on the freeway, you better BOOK IT. Opportunities like these don’t come often. So rather than “take your time”, your ass better be pedal to the metal. Because as much as you think that you will make it on time due to the lack of rush hour, everyone else in the car knows that you will be spending 15 minutes (minimal) looking for parking. You have a destination? Then do the rest of us a favor, and just GET THERE.

3. Making plans up North

No I will not go to the Salt Lick in Round Rock, and no I will not just “come along with” you to Ikea. In case you haven’t already gotten the hint, transportation is ROUGH in these parts. And unless it’s to see family, I can survive perfectly right here. In the central part of Austin.

4. Saying that Austin is over-hyped

This is just straight incompetence. If you really have the nerve to act like Austin is “over-hyped”, then get the hell out. We don’t need your negativity in our happy place. It’s not our fault you’re just jealous. But go ahead and act like Houston and all those metropolitan cities are “better”. I’m sure they will be welcoming you home with open arms after your trip is over. Hatas gonna hate.

5. Complaining about waiting

The only difference between you and me, is that I’ve planned for it. Emotionally and physically. The best things in life don’t come free. So for all you people who actually expect to mosey on in to Franklin’s, I’ll meet you at the bar after your mental breakdown due to impatience. We like to keep things interesting here in Austin.

6. Planning Happy Hour for 5 pm

Everyone knows that the time between 5-6 pm doesn’t really exist here. If you honestly expect for me to meet you somewhere, ANYWHERE, at 5:30 pm, I’m going to go along with it just to teach you a lesson. They have reverse happy hour for a reason. Oh, and there’s also Sundays.

7. Pronouncing street names correctly

I don’t give a rats ass what the “politically correct” way to say Guadalupe and Manchaca is. We are in Texas damnit, and butchering the pronunciation of most of the street names in Austin was a part of my childhood. There’s no need to get all butt hurt over nothing.

8. Picky eaters

If you are not down to try just about anything, you probably won’t fit in here. I mean, I guess they are more vegan, gluten-free, and vegetarian options here than most places. But if you can’t allow yourself to eat an entire Hopdoddy burger, indulge in a gallon of Amy’s, or smother your entire diet in queso, then you really are just taking up valuable space. You are stealing a spot that could be filled by a true Foodie. And that my friends, is just unAmerican.

9. Using a cab for a couple of blocks

Now, we are not in New York, by any means. But no one likes the girl who throws a bitch fit when her friends decide that they want to venture from east 6th to west 6th. The weather is nice, and quite frankly, we could all use the extra footage to help metabolize all that cheap liquor. But the biggest point with this one, is that you are in Austin. Half the people here probably run to their jobs in the morning. Get over it. Take a shot, and move on. And in times of desperation, flag down a pedi-cab.

10. Acting like food trailers are “dirty”

Ok, NO. I used to entertain the thought that yeah, maybe this wasn’t the healthiest way to dine. But then I was introduced to East Side Kings. And then Halal Bros. And then Chilantro. Just close your eyes, rid yourself of any amount of “care”, and bite into goodness. Plus, you will just fit in better that way.

11. Being an OU fan

Or affiliating with them for that matter. I don’t think I really need to explain this one. There is a never-ending hatred that has, like it or not, affected this entire city. Literally, NO ONE wants you here. Sorry bro. Tough love.

12. Not being able to grasp the concept of what a “One Way’ street entails

It’s printed in black and white, with a f****ing arrow pointing to where you should be going. Don’t get me wrong, I daze out a lot while driving too. But if you don’t notice that you are going the wrong way until you see the people all around you pointing and laughing, again, you don’t belong here.

13. Breakfast taco haters

I am astonished that there are still people out there that have the nerve to say “I don’t like breakfast tacos”. It gives me the chills every time. You are going to get tired of yogurt real quick. Probably after you get tired of waiting in the Starbucks drive-thru lines. Or maybe before you get tired of searching for a place that serves non-Tex Mex in the morning. Either way, no one is ever going to invite you for a breakfast date. No but seriously. They won’t go to the trouble.

14. Asking where the bats are

Oh dear god.

15. Not being able to enjoy live music

Or not even being able to talk about it. I mean, can you at least do a little research? We are called the Live Music Capitol of the world for a reason. I can count how many people don’t know who Willie Nelson is on one hand. Don’t be the fool to make it two hands. And don’t even think about complaining how the “live free music” is getting in the way of your dinner conversation. Don’t be that spoiled bitch. There’s room for only 1 Kim Kardashian in this world. And that bitch wouldn’t survive a day in these parts.

16. Pretentious people

This is not Dallas. No one cares how expensive your purse is, or that you got back stage tickets for ACL/SXSW. But for the people who do care, you can meet them at Rio on West 6th St. The rest of us are running around in flip-flops with our hair down. Long hair, don’t care.

17. SXSW goers who attend for the free shit, not the music

Again, you are just taking up space. Now move out of the way, and allow room for us people who actually do take some interest in cultural arts. You can always come back during Texas Relays or F1 to clog up the pipes in Austin. But give us this one week to ourselves. You know, the people who actually care about music and shit.

18. Taking a picture in front of the “I love you so much” sign

Honestly, is there anything more touristy?! And for all you natives, you should be ASHAMED. That wall is not a monument with historical value. It is the result of someone who was probably tripping acid and decided to take a stroll down Congress.

Now this is a picture worthy wall. Shout out to DPham.

(I’ll be honest with you guys, I regret adding this one to the list. Since posting this blog, I have been corrected numerous times regarding the true story of the I love you so much wall art. Amy Cook, an Austin-based musician, wrote it for her then partner, Liz Lambert. The couple had apparently been arguing, and Amy knew that Liz would see on her way home from work. And of course, she did. Oh, and Liz Lambert is the owner of Hotel San Jose and Jo’s Coffee Shop. I really hope that I didn’t offend anyone, especially Amy or Liz. I do believe all forms of art in Austin are beautiful, and the city wouldn’t be the same without it. So cheers to Amy and Liz, even though they are no longer together. And cheers to not knowing all the facts.)

19. Whining about the weather/allergies

Get over it. We deal with this shit all year long.The pollen is really just an organized attempt to get all of the people who don’t belong here out. Or at the least the ones that haven’t figured out how easy it is to go to a local pharmacy and purchase an antihistamine. Yes, people. That is how medicine works.

20. Asking for plastic at the grocery store

How behind the times are you?! I’m surprised Austin people don’t recycle their own waste. That’s how green we are. So yeah, next time you purchase a gallon of milk and some chips, you should probably just carry it out with your bare hands. Or if you really want to fit in, bring your own bag. But let’s be real. Even most locals aren’t that prepared. Or maybe I’m just really irresponsible.

21. People who insist that they will be able find street parking downtown

No you won’t. Take it from me. Spare yourself the pride, and the rest of us some time. Unless you are cool enough to valet everywhere, or really patient ( I mean REALLY patient. I think I spent an hour one time looking for a spot on Rainey Street. Like, that is frugal at an all time low). Uber it. Garage it. Cab it. Don’t question, just do it. Even if you get lucky and find a prime time spot, you will spend quality time interpreting how the meters work.

22. Judging, even in the slightest, all of the weirdness

You may all think that we are just a bunch of hippies. But we all think that y’all are plain boring. Don’t stare. Don’t make judgmental comments. Appreciate Austin, and she will appreciate you back. Besides, there’s a little “weird” in us all.

So there you have it. ATX till the day I die. Born and raised. Probably biased. Most definitely proud. Just a weird girl, living in a utopia of “interesting”. Basically, don’t do these things, and you will be loved by all Austinites. Now, go back to where you came from.

*Cheers

H

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90 thoughts on “The 22 easiest ways to piss off every Austinite

  1. My goodness. What’s up with all the negative comments? I thought this list was clever. It is your perception so I don’t understand why people are leaving unnecessary comments. If they couldn’t tell that this was made through truth AND pure sarcasm, they have other things to worry about. I lived in San Marcos for the past two years, Buda a looong time ago, and now Houston so I knew exactly what you were talking about. One thing I super agree on, Houston is definitely not like Austin. Everyone loves breakfast tacos!!! Haha. Keep it up doll. I will be reading more of your blogs!!

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  2. I’ve seen touristy sidewalk stands selling framed photographs of the “i love you so much” graffiti… And it’s not even graffiti, it’s a marketing tactic. About the furthest thing from art you can get.

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  3. i call BS on #2. Austin was never a place anyone needed or wanted to drive like an idiot. And that contradicts #5. The rest I don’t care about. Really only the race car drivers piss me off. Slow the fuck down dipshit!

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  4. Willie isn’t a native Austinite, neither is Stevie Ray, Lance, Jesse James, or a host of other Austinites. Neither am I but I’ve lived here longer than you’ve been alive. I’ve seen the growth and it is good and bad. I used to be able to get around town, then again I had to drive great distances to get the goods and services that are now close due to growth. The bottom line is we live here because we love it for whatever reason that affects us. If we didn’t we wouldn’t live here. I’m not crazy about the people from Cali moving here either, but look at it this way – they chose to live here. Being born here doesn’t give anyone special rights – you didn’t have anything to do with that choice. Consider yourself lucky your parents raised you in a cool town and get over it.

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  5. This is the grouchiest, most negative thing I’ve read in a long time. I always thought of Austinites (I was one for a while) as friendly, laid back, and positive thinkers who appreciated people who came to appreciate their city. I hope you aren’t representing the thoughts of the majority. If so, you probably won’t have to worry about visitors to YOUR city any more.

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  6. I’m not about to weigh in on what Austin is like, but I was uncomfortable with the use of “butt hurt”. That’s a very offensive term, especially to the LGBTQ community. Please consider editing that out.

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  7. Hayley,

    Great blog post.

    Loved the “let’s meet up north” comment. Funny…I live central and I feel the same way about people that want to throw a party on slaughter!

    I hate seeing the city change in front of my eyes as much as the next person, but I’ve learned in the past that it’s always better to be living in a growing city than a dying city. We should be thankful that our economy is booming and that our local businesses are thriving. I can think of at least 5-10 trailers that are now brick and mortars.

    You know you’ve written a good piece when you’ve created so many passionate responses both positive and negative.

    Love your sense of humor. Keep up the good work!!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. This is a pretty stupid list made up of superficial, faux indignities. You definitely don’t sound native. My advice to you is to go back to California.

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  9. The “i love you so much” sign was spray painted by the owner of the building to her girlfriend. They had decided to paint the wall and she was just messing around. Then people started taking pictures by it, so they decided to leave it there instead of painting. So no, it was not put up by someone on acid, it was a declaration of love at a time when gay couples weren’t as socially accepted as they are now, which is amazing and truly represents Austin’s nature. Learn your city’s history.

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  10. I don’t mind people moving to town. I just wish they would stop trying to turn it into whatever hole they last resided. As a native – my town was fine before it was turned into South New York and East California!

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  11. I’m a native Austinite and found your list to be one of the most pretentious things I’ve ever read. First of all, there are a lot of Austinites who are OU alumni and moved back after college. I am an Aggie who did just that. Wake up, not all of us are bandwagon UT fans, and we can be here if we want to be. Also, I am so sick of people whining about people moving here. Someone in your damn family did it at some point, so get the hell over it. People love our city and you’re in no place to decide who gets to move here and who doesn’t. You claim to be peeved by negativity but have no problem being negative yourself.

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  12. I’d just like to know when in the hedoubleQ, that Austin got to be central TEXAS, by gosh… after 64 yrs. of knowing that Brady, Tx., is the geographical center of the state, imagine my surprise when I google the central texas happenin’s and find out it is all in Austin… not that I’m not a fan of Austin, cause I am, and not that there ain’t some simply marvelous stuff in Austin, cause there is, but when in the heQQ did it happen that our part of the country is no longer the officially the central part of the state? I admit to being slightly north being from the big city of Bangs, TX., but really, when did this happen? with the influx of the California folks, or what? What happened? Do you folks from Austin think the rest of the state just don’t matter? WTF?

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  13. And please for the love of God stop calling South Congress and South Lamar SoCo and SoLa. This is a marketing ploy and sounds pretentious, we like are street names just the way they are.

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  14. And please for the love of God stop calling South Congress and South Lamar SoCo and SoLa. This is a marketing ploy and sounds pretentious, we like are street names just the way they are. How you say them and what you call them is the best way to tell an Austinite from a non-Austinite.

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