The 22 easiest ways to piss off every Austinite

Recently, a close friend of mine had me read a blog titled “The 22 easiest ways to piss off every New Yorker”. The more I read it, the more I realized how Austinites have their own little quirky annoyances about people who try to understand this place. Let’s be real. Unless you are a native, you have no idea.

So I jotted down the 22 easiest ways to piss off every Austinite:

1. Coming here

I mean this is pretty obvious. As much as I like having people visit, and showing friends around Austin, sometimes I’m afraid to! You come visit. You fall in love with the city. You move here. You make my monthly rent sky-rocket, and my commute to work take 15 extra minutes. So just stay the f**k out.

2. Driving slow

Every Austinite knows that when you see an opportunity on the freeway, you better BOOK IT. Opportunities like these don’t come often. So rather than “take your time”, your ass better be pedal to the metal. Because as much as you think that you will make it on time due to the lack of rush hour, everyone else in the car knows that you will be spending 15 minutes (minimal) looking for parking. You have a destination? Then do the rest of us a favor, and just GET THERE.

3. Making plans up North

No I will not go to the Salt Lick in Round Rock, and no I will not just “come along with” you to Ikea. In case you haven’t already gotten the hint, transportation is ROUGH in these parts. And unless it’s to see family, I can survive perfectly right here. In the central part of Austin.

4. Saying that Austin is over-hyped

This is just straight incompetence. If you really have the nerve to act like Austin is “over-hyped”, then get the hell out. We don’t need your negativity in our happy place. It’s not our fault you’re just jealous. But go ahead and act like Houston and all those metropolitan cities are “better”. I’m sure they will be welcoming you home with open arms after your trip is over. Hatas gonna hate.

5. Complaining about waiting

The only difference between you and me, is that I’ve planned for it. Emotionally and physically. The best things in life don’t come free. So for all you people who actually expect to mosey on in to Franklin’s, I’ll meet you at the bar after your mental breakdown due to impatience. We like to keep things interesting here in Austin.

6. Planning Happy Hour for 5 pm

Everyone knows that the time between 5-6 pm doesn’t really exist here. If you honestly expect for me to meet you somewhere, ANYWHERE, at 5:30 pm, I’m going to go along with it just to teach you a lesson. They have reverse happy hour for a reason. Oh, and there’s also Sundays.

7. Pronouncing street names correctly

I don’t give a rats ass what the “politically correct” way to say Guadalupe and Manchaca is. We are in Texas damnit, and butchering the pronunciation of most of the street names in Austin was a part of my childhood. There’s no need to get all butt hurt over nothing.

8. Picky eaters

If you are not down to try just about anything, you probably won’t fit in here. I mean, I guess they are more vegan, gluten-free, and vegetarian options here than most places. But if you can’t allow yourself to eat an entire Hopdoddy burger, indulge in a gallon of Amy’s, or smother your entire diet in queso, then you really are just taking up valuable space. You are stealing a spot that could be filled by a true Foodie. And that my friends, is just unAmerican.

9. Using a cab for a couple of blocks

Now, we are not in New York, by any means. But no one likes the girl who throws a bitch fit when her friends decide that they want to venture from east 6th to west 6th. The weather is nice, and quite frankly, we could all use the extra footage to help metabolize all that cheap liquor. But the biggest point with this one, is that you are in Austin. Half the people here probably run to their jobs in the morning. Get over it. Take a shot, and move on. And in times of desperation, flag down a pedi-cab.

10. Acting like food trailers are “dirty”

Ok, NO. I used to entertain the thought that yeah, maybe this wasn’t the healthiest way to dine. But then I was introduced to East Side Kings. And then Halal Bros. And then Chilantro. Just close your eyes, rid yourself of any amount of “care”, and bite into goodness. Plus, you will just fit in better that way.

11. Being an OU fan

Or affiliating with them for that matter. I don’t think I really need to explain this one. There is a never-ending hatred that has, like it or not, affected this entire city. Literally, NO ONE wants you here. Sorry bro. Tough love.

12. Not being able to grasp the concept of what a “One Way’ street entails

It’s printed in black and white, with a f****ing arrow pointing to where you should be going. Don’t get me wrong, I daze out a lot while driving too. But if you don’t notice that you are going the wrong way until you see the people all around you pointing and laughing, again, you don’t belong here.

13. Breakfast taco haters

I am astonished that there are still people out there that have the nerve to say “I don’t like breakfast tacos”. It gives me the chills every time. You are going to get tired of yogurt real quick. Probably after you get tired of waiting in the Starbucks drive-thru lines. Or maybe before you get tired of searching for a place that serves non-Tex Mex in the morning. Either way, no one is ever going to invite you for a breakfast date. No but seriously. They won’t go to the trouble.

14. Asking where the bats are

Oh dear god.

15. Not being able to enjoy live music

Or not even being able to talk about it. I mean, can you at least do a little research? We are called the Live Music Capitol of the world for a reason. I can count how many people don’t know who Willie Nelson is on one hand. Don’t be the fool to make it two hands. And don’t even think about complaining how the “live free music” is getting in the way of your dinner conversation. Don’t be that spoiled bitch. There’s room for only 1 Kim Kardashian in this world. And that bitch wouldn’t survive a day in these parts.

16. Pretentious people

This is not Dallas. No one cares how expensive your purse is, or that you got back stage tickets for ACL/SXSW. But for the people who do care, you can meet them at Rio on West 6th St. The rest of us are running around in flip-flops with our hair down. Long hair, don’t care.

17. SXSW goers who attend for the free shit, not the music

Again, you are just taking up space. Now move out of the way, and allow room for us people who actually do take some interest in cultural arts. You can always come back during Texas Relays or F1 to clog up the pipes in Austin. But give us this one week to ourselves. You know, the people who actually care about music and shit.

18. Taking a picture in front of the “I love you so much” sign

Honestly, is there anything more touristy?! And for all you natives, you should be ASHAMED. That wall is not a monument with historical value. It is the result of someone who was probably tripping acid and decided to take a stroll down Congress.

Now this is a picture worthy wall. Shout out to DPham.

(I’ll be honest with you guys, I regret adding this one to the list. Since posting this blog, I have been corrected numerous times regarding the true story of the I love you so much wall art. Amy Cook, an Austin-based musician, wrote it for her then partner, Liz Lambert. The couple had apparently been arguing, and Amy knew that Liz would see on her way home from work. And of course, she did. Oh, and Liz Lambert is the owner of Hotel San Jose and Jo’s Coffee Shop. I really hope that I didn’t offend anyone, especially Amy or Liz. I do believe all forms of art in Austin are beautiful, and the city wouldn’t be the same without it. So cheers to Amy and Liz, even though they are no longer together. And cheers to not knowing all the facts.)

19. Whining about the weather/allergies

Get over it. We deal with this shit all year long.The pollen is really just an organized attempt to get all of the people who don’t belong here out. Or at the least the ones that haven’t figured out how easy it is to go to a local pharmacy and purchase an antihistamine. Yes, people. That is how medicine works.

20. Asking for plastic at the grocery store

How behind the times are you?! I’m surprised Austin people don’t recycle their own waste. That’s how green we are. So yeah, next time you purchase a gallon of milk and some chips, you should probably just carry it out with your bare hands. Or if you really want to fit in, bring your own bag. But let’s be real. Even most locals aren’t that prepared. Or maybe I’m just really irresponsible.

21. People who insist that they will be able find street parking downtown

No you won’t. Take it from me. Spare yourself the pride, and the rest of us some time. Unless you are cool enough to valet everywhere, or really patient ( I mean REALLY patient. I think I spent an hour one time looking for a spot on Rainey Street. Like, that is frugal at an all time low). Uber it. Garage it. Cab it. Don’t question, just do it. Even if you get lucky and find a prime time spot, you will spend quality time interpreting how the meters work.

22. Judging, even in the slightest, all of the weirdness

You may all think that we are just a bunch of hippies. But we all think that y’all are plain boring. Don’t stare. Don’t make judgmental comments. Appreciate Austin, and she will appreciate you back. Besides, there’s a little “weird” in us all.

So there you have it. ATX till the day I die. Born and raised. Probably biased. Most definitely proud. Just a weird girl, living in a utopia of “interesting”. Basically, don’t do these things, and you will be loved by all Austinites. Now, go back to where you came from.

*Cheers

H

90 thoughts on “The 22 easiest ways to piss off every Austinite

    • And Cesar Chavez was once E. 1st Street….Yes, there once was an E. 1st Street and South 1st Street. And Austinites knew the difference and still do.

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  1. Any cool city will attract more people. If you don’t like it, built it in fucking Montana. Likewise this counterculture is a pretentious “I’m wayyyy better than you” attitude in its own right. Reminds me of when I was in high school and got mad when one of my emo bands came out with an overplayed a radio hit, “but I knew them before they were cool!”
    Get over yourself.

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    • Thank you for not liking this garbage. This dumb bitch makes Austin sound like a bunch of pretentious assholes. She is not what I would consider an accurate (or flattering) representation of a true Austinite.

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  2. As a young professional who has travelled extensively and lived in numerous cities across the country (including Austin) all before the age of 30, I have a few things to say:

    1. Do you know what the word pretentious means? Because in number 16, you clearly specify that “pretentious people” are a “way” to piss of an Austinite. Yet this entire post is an egotistical rant, defending the natives of a city whose surge in popularity and culture is relatively recent (and only thanks to the influx of out-of-owners that have moved here over the last few decades). Ironic, isn’t it?

    So stop ragging on all the people moving here. If you eliminated everyone but the locals, you’d be stuck with a podunk town in the middle of Texas—not the booming city that you, for whatever reason, feel entitled to. What is it with you Texans and your ignorant arrogance?

    2. As a native of Portland, I can vouch that there are plenty of cities in the world that feature genuinely bizarre people and sub-cultures. I would not consider Austin one of them. From my two years in the area, I saw my fair share of “hipsters” and “off-beat wannabes,” but it was rare for me to meet genuinely strange individuals who were uniquely themselves. I’m hesitant to know how vast your ignorance might be, but if you’ve travelled at all (outside of the “pretentious” Dallas and “not-as-good-as-Austin” Houston, of course), then you might know that “hipster” is a booming trend across the country. You’re not weird.

    3. Most of the people calling Austin “overrated” are correct. We’re not jealous. We’ve just been to enough places and seen so many legitimately amazing cities that we’re aware that only the close-minded and inexperienced think that Austin is worthy of its hype. Don’t get me wrong, it has a generally good atmosphere and offers things that many other metropolitan areas might not. But if you are genuinely convinced that Austin is where it’s at, then I pity you.

    4. Lastly, you act as if no true Austinite could ever be found guilty of any of the aforementioned offenses. However, I’ve met some pretty dim-witted individuals who are “proudly fourth-generation Texans.” In fact, in my interactions with people around the city, it always seemed to be the established Austinites who would complain about the weather (God forbid that the temperature drop below 40 degrees) and hit up SXSW for the stuff or to be able to say that “they were there.”

    I want you to know that I understand the concept of pride; I really do. For example, I’m proud of being relatively intelligent and open-minded. You, on the other hand, are proud of where you just happened to be born (a lot of effort on your end, I’m sure) and feel the need to ignorantly express why that makes you superior to everyone else. Congratulations! Here’s to eating breakfast tacos forever. Cheers.

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  3. Umm, I am an Austin native and I find your list incredibly pretentious. Some of it I agree with but the rest is pure negativity (both of which are no-nos on your precious list).For the record I know plenty of natives who have done or do some of the things from your list and I’m pretty sure they are liked just fine by those around them. Putting others down for enjoying thoroughly what our city has to offer in their own way is absolutely ridiculous. It started out pretty funny, but good god, it went downhill real fast (please just remove number 18 altogether. I used to work with Liz and she is amazing). Just one question: Do you feel better by carving out a list of why you belong in Austin and others don’t? Please step down off of your horse and really put forth the “positivity” you claim you have by living in this town.

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  4. …can’t tell if this is serious or supposed to be some kind of sarcastic joke. As an Austin native I really wish people would get off their damn high horse about 98% of this stuff. Guess what happens if people stop coming here, genius? All that diversity and cutting edge stuff and weirdness that we are all so proud of stagnates and dies. If Austin closed its borders it would become everything that Austinites hate. And #16 made me laugh out loud. By ALL MEANS, please write the most pretentious list you can come up with but please be sure to mention how much you hate when people are pretentious. Good call there, friend.

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    • Actually, Austin was cooler when people weren’t coming here. So, by extension, I’m guessing if people stopped coming here, Austin would go back to being weird and cool. Go back to LA.

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  5. Great blog post. Add “bus it” to #21. Capmetro routes are pretty good in the central area (and getting better), and some run until around 4am!

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  6. Great write up, except for #17. Every year, I go to SxSW, attend the free events with music-why do you assume free events are sans music? I refuse to pay for a wristband only to wait in line for hours-ain’t nobody got time for that-is paid music really better than free music? Talk about pretentious 🙂 Last year I listened to a Turkish DJ playing fusion music at a free event(Microsoft or Yahoo)..
    Still love the effort you put into this-I thought I was the only one thinking the things youw rote about-especially these points-(#2,6,8 &9). And for the record, tacos are the best for breakfast and lunch and if you’re on Rainey street, also for dinner 🙂

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  7. #24. Judging people for being judgmental (and my not judging you for misspelling “judgmental.”).

    – Sincerely, Austin resident longer than you’ve been alive.

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  8. It’s super cute that you allowed the positive comments about your article to be seen but mine (along with others I am sure) are still “awaiting moderation” because they are critical.

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    • I’m sorry if I have offended you in any way. I had no idea about the I love you so much wall, which I have corrected already. I blog about things to make people laugh. I’m sorry if you can’t appreciate my humor, but you probably just don’t know me well enough. I love being sarcastic and putting people on blast, including myself. If you took the time to read any of my other blogs, you would understand. The last thing I wanted from this blog was to cause controversy and negativity from the audience, as that is the one thing I can’t stand about the internet. And I’m sure you’re thinking “well you put judgement out there”, and I agree with you. Something I questioned from the beginning, just wanted to put a sarcastic piece out there that would make people laugh. Not something everyone would take SO seriously. But you’re right. Critical comments are just as important as supportive ones. Just hate making my blog turn into a typical internet brawl via comments. I guess it’s inevitable though. So yes, from now on I’m approving all of the comments, including the ones ranting over how I need to get over myself. You can all be miserable together. And I will continue to laugh with the rest of the people who know how to appreciate a joke.

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      • I visit your great city several times a year to see my daughter. Nice to know how you guys really feel about us “outsiders” (even though we are united together as Texans)
        I find it a bit hypocritical that you ask us not to judge in the slightest but this entire article is dripping with your whole GET OUT WE HATE YOU tone.
        Sorry to tell you kiddo, but the things that you love about your beautiful city are the EXACT same reason other people want so desperately to be there too. Just because you were there a couple of years before anyone else doesn’t give you the keys to the city….change is inevitable. Get over it. And…..yourself.

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  9. Yeah, I’m gonna have to combine two of your numbers and say that folks who don’t eat breakfast tacos are also “just taking up valuable space.” When I went to UT, we had shirts that read, “A&M sucks but OU swallows,” so I imagine the rivalry is still there, as you say. And the part about reverse happy hour is also true. You gotta plan here. If I want to eat at Chuy’s, I show up at 11:01am or 3pm. No in between.

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  10. y’all*

    How do you even screw that one up? Thanks for making Austin look bad with another one of these BS lists. You are no better than the pretentious fucks that you complain about, feel free to leave Austin as you clearly don’t personify what it is about like you seem to think you do.

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  11. I dont think dont stare is a good one. My onr and only trip to austin included police brutality on 6th and a gang bang in a pedicure cab outside the food trucks. I caught myself wanting to stare at the drunk ladies in the pedicure cab, but not wanting to be rude. At that moment my friend (a true Austinite) turned to me and said, “go ahead stare, everyone else is” I think staring is no problem at all, people wouldn’t act out if they didnt want to be seen. But judging, is def not acceptable.

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  12. #23: Write an article like that. Austin native here reporting that street parking IS possible, my dietary habits effect you ZERO, I finally appreciate SXSW BECAUSE I went to free shit, lines do suck, and I can’t remember the last time I purchased a breakfast taco. (yes, please do not ask me to be anywhere at 5:30 – however, that’s not Austin, that’s just logic.) I am so sick of this “don’t move here” attitude. Austin is full of wonderful, accepting people but the squeaky wheels get the grease and taint our reputation.

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    • I’m from Austin. Do whatever the fuck you feel like doing as long as you are not hurting anyone else. If they are bothered that is their problem not yours.
      If you want to respect Austin and Texas go take the many two step lessons around town which is super fun and not that hard. Listen to some Willie – Red Headed Stranger is an amazing album.
      Go visit the Texas park system. If you came here just to live the city life you are missing out. Respect, protect, and love our natural environment and that is without compromise.

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  13. How about everyone stop insisting Austin is the way it is. The majority of us don’t live our lives around downtown, don’t sit in traffic, and know how to get around all the bullshit everyone who really doesn’t know Austin puts up with. The truth is, we love our city and know how to enjoy it.

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  14. Ugh. Do not suggest people “Uber it.” Uber is part of the gentrification. Cabbies already had a hard time in Austin, and Uber is basically eliminating their livelihood, without contributing back to the city. It also allows the city to avoid investing in affordable public transit (Uber is NOT affordable). It’s deregulated, unaccountable, and dangerous. Also, the phrase “Uber it” is disgusting.

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  15. As a native Austinite, I despise this list and most of the things on it. I’ll agree about the traffic and the tacos but that’s about it. This is the most hipster list you could have compiled, but you’re surprised when people don’t know who Willie Nelson is. Food trucks, SXSW, ACL Fest all apply to a tiny portion of Austin’s demographic (and most of those people are in their 20s and they moved here after college). As someone who grew up here and recently returned from college, I’m shocked at this pretentious attitude “native” Austinites have developed.

    Also instead of complaining about high rent prices try moving to the dreaded north. Round Rock is cheap and you’re still just sitting in traffic, which is apparently somethig you don’t mind

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  16. I love how you site all the cool things about Austin with absolute disregard for the fact that none of them were here 10 years, hell 5 years ago. They are part of “new Austin” hate it all you will- I refuse to feel bad about moving here- since a lot of the idiots who complain about transplants WERE NOT ALIVE YET- when I got here- likely alongside their parents – all I can say is buy a fucking plane ticket and explore another city. Talk to people at their bars and hot spots- and you will realize that is what metropolitan areas are for. Collecting people from all parts of the world- and in America we pride ourselves for taking in the huddled masses. Are they all supposed to go through Ellis Island and then STAY in NYC? How moronic. If you love Austin so much and hate people from outside Austin so much….please stay home! Please! There are too many people out on the roads as it is- and we don’t want to look at your sorry assed unhappy self harshing our mellow with your hate. Get over yourself.

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  17. Hahahahaha this article is so contradictory. Please stay in Austin, it only means that when you go to other cities you’ll bitch and complain about how that city is not Austin. Closed minded self ownership is a dangerous thing.

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  18. Austin is still a great city. Yes, it’s not the city it use to be, but it is still a better city than almost any in the nation. Since I’ve left I realize that all the whining about what use to be is now the ugliest part of the city. There is nothing less appealing than a bunch of whining. Keep it up Austin, maybe by the time I return you will have whined all the newcomers back to their homes in Cali.

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  19. 1. Austin is not weird so drop that shit completely. Yeah it’s different than the rest of the South, we get it. “All those weirdo’s in Austin who eat healthy and vote democratic… us here in the South think it’s is so weird that they are not nazi conservative sheep like the rest of us.” I’m from Oregon and in Austin’s WEIRDEST and most liberal moment… it is still the most conservative/conforming place I have EVER lived…. Again, you’re not weird at all. Try doing a bi-annual nude parade in Ashland, OR. Or the Country Fair… we have fauns hanging from trees playing pan flutes all day… Ugh.
    2. Having nice things and dressing nice does not mean you are pretentious! AND certainly does not mean that you are not a gypsy, artsy, hipster, hippie, or “laid back” person. I wear a suit everyday and am more free spirited and less pretentious than most in Austin. My clothes do not reflect who I am inside… that’s for conformers. I lived most of my life barefoot, poor, and in a place where NO ONE wears a suit. Dressing in a comfortable wool suit has nothing to do with being uptight or not laid back. Ugh. Get over your stupid “we wear T-Shirts to business meetings because we’re cooler than Dallas” bullshit. We have been doing that forever in Oregon. You’re not special… You are just different than the rest of the South.
    3. I hate breakfast tacos… and this stupid fucking negative list.

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  20. This is why we here in Colorado want you to stay in Texas. Austin is a shit hole town with tons of rejects from everywhere else. Keep your shit down there. We dont want it. Why is Texas not its own country? You pretentious liberal ass hat. Get a life!

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  21. First, #5 and #2 contradict themselves. Second, guess what happened to Portland, Boulder and the Bay Area loooooong before people started to come to Austin. Yep. Relocation, Sista. It happens and along with relocation comes expansion, traffic, rising housing prices, oh…and much need jobs and growth in economy. It’s inevitable…its going to happen. Be proud and embrace. However beware! Some of these people just might pronounce street names correctly or take a picture in front of a wall with some graffiti. I do understand and support your proud attempt to “defend” your fine city (and it is “fine” but just that …”fine”…nothing else). Weird…..please. Austin isn’t weird. Natives THINK it’s weird because they haven’t been anywhere else but go to NY….go to SF….hell, go to Burlington, VT or anywhere in the Pacific NW. People are coming here because, let face it, its cheap (for now), there are jobs, it’s a fun and they hear rumors…BUT head North, East, South or West and you’re still in Texas, are from Austin, and that in and of itself blows. So, if people are saying it’s over-hyped, yes, it may be because they’re jealous and from Houston/Dallas or maybe it’s because they got here from NorCal and looked around and said, “WTF?!” I just left the beach, Yosemite, San Francisco, Lake Tahoe, the wine country, and the redwoods, all within driving distance …. for….this? A walking path around a “lake”, some bars downtown, BBQ, live music (which is everywhere in the US BTW), and football, football, football? Trust me, I’m trying to get out and it’s attitudes like yours that give Austinites a pompous, pretentious, and negative vibe. Good luck and please….stay here because it already sounds like you haven’t ever left.

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  22. Austin is a great town. Its clear from the comments that we take our city seriously. Some to extreme? Yes, but I think we all were looking for something here that we didn’t get, a real list for pissed off Austinites. And with that some validation for the way we feel about the great ATX. So here is mine…

    1. Install a parking meter at my favorite free parking spot downtown. Tradgic.
    2. Put a billion dollar light rail in between the lines of a prop for new roads we desperately need. What an epic fail!
    3. Build an overpass just to end it with a quatruple merge line. 71 to 35 south.
    4. Dead end roads moving east to west. 15th, mlk, 290
    5. Ban bags period. I’ll pay the 15 cents every time and reuse the bags.
    6. Complain about the heat. Bitch we know its hot. Get out the kitchen!
    7. Frequent the dirty sixth. There are way better places to get your party on and way less dirty.
    8. Talk trash about our local food. Austin Food is the best! You’ll agree when I’m cramming it down your throat!
    9. Say Barton Springs is too cold. Pussy…
    10. Ask me where I’m from and then say something like “Really? I’ve never met anyone born here before.” Yes st Davids ’84. Do you want to see my birth certificate? I keep it next my unicorn and four leaf clover.
    11. Lastly judge. Spred the love people.

    That’s all I got. Hope you like.

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  23. I’m reading this as humor, and #7 is gold. I love it. In fact, #7 is one of my guilty pleasures in life. I love watching the butt hurt on someone’s face when I say Man-cha-kha instead of Manchak, or Guadalupe instead of Guadaloop.

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  24. Humorous it was. I’ve seen these lists for so many other cities. If you say black, someone else will argue white. If you say white is cool, they’ll switch and say black is where it’s at. The people who are commenting here have more judgment and hate in their hearts than the author of this blog. #truth

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  25. I lived in Austin when Janis Joplin jammed at Threadgill’s Ice House and Armadillo World was there. before Austinites tore it down to put a high rise hotel in it’s place, when 6th street was a street, not a yuppy haven. When hippies and flower children made and sold their jewelry and crafts on Guadalupe and Willie had his 4th picnic in the park next to the state capitol. When there was an albino squirrel that begged crumbs when we ate our lunch on the lawn of the capitol or on breaks from working in those buildings named after Stephen F Austin and Lyndon Johnson and on and on. I remember when they tried to pass the sales tax and include food and baby formula and the mothers bussed in from all over the state to protest on the grounds and the senators and representatives used the old civil war tunnel under the capitol to flee the wrath of the women…. now that was “AUSTIN”

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  26. Hello Miss Hayley Gail. I really enjoyed this blog and found it hilarious! People who are taking this seriously really must reflect on their own lives. What is the point on bashing this young lady who is just updating her blog on a wordpress? She isn’t looking for fame. This isn’t on CNN or a featured article on Yahoo. It is wordpress. You don’t go on a porn site and comment on every video on how degrading it is for a girl to get ejaculated on her face or gets dick slapped, do you? Let the girl be. Jane Austen would have been proud of you, Miss Hayley Gail. “Express yourself” as my friend Diplo would say.

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