I’ve always wanted to blog about a little thing I like to call the Instagram ego. We have our real lives, and then we have our lives on Instagram. This innate expectation that we feel, to live up to the social media world standards. Instagram, you are the bane of my existence. But I still love ya boo.
So ladies and gentlemen, I’m putting it all out there. I was very hesistant to put all the Insta whores of the world (myself included) on blast, but it’s just too funny. This is a very vulnerable position to be in, so bear with me! And as you start to laugh, remember that you are laughing with me, not at me! We are all guilty of this. The stress that son-of-a-bitch app can bring to our lives. I present to you:
The 10 struggles of keeping up with your Instagram reputation.
1. The ever so difficult choice of filters. Vintage? Black and white? Going with that summer haze with the Toaster filter, but making sure to not look too orange. Or wanting to go with the more subtle look by using Amaro, but being terrified of looking too pale. And why the hell will X-Pro II make one picture look straight out of a magazine, and then totally fail the next time you use it?! The filter you choose can MAKE OR BREAK an instragram post. You all know it’s true. Shit, we’re faced with so many decisions everyday, why I gotta waste energy on choosing a filter too?? The struggle is real.
2. Lucky number 11. Don’t even try to act like you don’t know what’s so great about #11. When you get 11 likes and you feel like you’ve accomplished something. When the like section goes from exposing all of the kind people that gave you a chance to a condensed form of “likers”. It’s like all of the instagram pictures that never reached their 11th like are an embarassment to the insta world.
3. Rushing to post a photo before your friends do. “I get to upload this one!”. We all do it. When you’re out at an event with some friends, your outfit couldn’t be more perfect, the picture turns out so chic, and then some bitch posts it before you. Ugh, bitch don’t kill my vibe. Those few minutes after the picture has been taken and before it’s uploaded totally feel like one of those “IT’S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN” moments. Slow-mo and all. Survival of the fittest, ya’ll.
4. Making sure to keep it candid, obvi. I mean you can’t pose everytime. DUH. And how f***ing awkward is it when everyone knows they want it to be candid, but no one says it out loud so you all just kind of laugh and look at each other like idiots. Praying that the person taking the picture will turn into Nigil Barker for just a second. Why can’t we all be as care-free and naturally gorgeous like Kate Moss? I guess it’s safe to say that I won’t be able to spark off my modeling career through Instagram. Damnit.
5. Keeping that followers to following ratio on point. VITAL. Because we all totally think we are worthy of having more people be interested in what we are doing than vice versa. This shit actually makes me laugh out loud. But nonetheless, I’m guilty of it. You know, when someone that you don’t know that well adds you and you’re all like “yes, this is totally going to help my followers:following ratio out because I’m definetly not following them back”. OK, maybe I’m just a bitch. Let’s all be honest to ourselves though. Only the rich and famous have thousands of people following them. I guess we shouldn’t get upset that we don’t, because our lives are scum compared to theirs. FYI, Beyonce has 16 million followers and ZERO people that she follows. Straight Queen status.
6. Showing how cultural you are. Because no one has to know that your life isn’t really as interesting as it may appear. Go to the great wall of China, instagram. Sit on your ass eating take-out all day, taking a day off from instagram. And then just pick up with your super diverse lifestyle again in a few weeks when you go to Coachella. No one has to know that you are just as boring as the rest of us in between those two posts.
7. Nailing your caption. “Omg guys, what should my caption be ?!” Is it going to be a play on words? Or one of those subtle one-liners? Do I make it an inside joke so that I can get joy out of knowing that nobody understands what the hell I’m talking about? Hashtags, or no hashtags? Or I can always make my caption straight forward like the professional that I am.
8. Portraying the diet you wish you had. Food is hands down my favorite thing to take pictures of. I could be eating pop tarts every day of the week, but if I post a picture of my delicious healthy-looking salad one day, I have you all fooled. And how embarassing is it when you forget that your flash is on, and you reveal to everyone in the restaurant that you are in fact documenting your meal on social media. Not embarassing enough to not do it, I can tell you that. Even though I can’t afford to eat at the Four Seasons everyday, I can make the rest of the world think I can.
9. Knowing when it’s acceptable to post a selfie. Is it every 5 pictures or every 10 pictures? Who knows anymore. Is it more acceptable if you are taking a selfie with other people in it? Man, how stressful. I sure as hell don’t want people to think I’m still in high school. But if a girl wants to show off her new lip gloss, let her. Right? All I know, is if my arms where just a few inches longer, my selfies would be that much more beautiful. Science, bitch.
10. Coming to terms with the fact that you indeed are not a photographer. Diagnosing yourself on WebMD doesn’t make you a doctor, now does it? The answer is NO. However, practice makes perfect. Just like a fine wine gets better with time, so will your photographic abilities when it comes to Instagram posting.
For all of you people out there acting like none of this is true, you’re LYING TO YOURSELF.
May the Instagram odds be ever in your favor.